Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Add It Up

I'm about to be brave tomorrow. I am going no where man or woman likes to go....

I am going to bravely add up all of my current medical bills.

See, since the beginning of December I have had a parotid gland infection, then an inflamed parotid gland, then surgery, then serous right side facial swelling and pain.

In the last 3 months,

I have had an MRI

I have had surgery

I have had many c-spine x-rays

I am had a CT Scan

Now, this Friday I am having yet another MRI for my c-spine due to serious degenerative changes that might be adding to the facial swelling and pain.

I am scared shitless to add these bills up including an ER bill I have been paying off and still have a hefty chunk left to pay.

I have to figure out how to steal from Peter to pay Paul and I am running out of crafty ideas because I am still paying for good portions of my wedding in September.

Tomorrow will be a somber day in some respects because I will see what my true medical debt is. No 33 year old should have to worry about medical debt, on top of wedding debt. on top of student debt.

I want to pull my hair out and scream but I am just going to have to calmly breathe and figure out a plan, besides the obvious payment plans I am on for my medical bills.

Yet another joy of being a chronically ill patient. I have to accept the fact that I will always have some sort of medical debt. It comes with the territory.

I'll be depressed and glowing in the dark from radiation by Friday ;)

Good times!

Friday, February 1, 2013

Post-Op and Negative Personality Traits

My surgery went well. Luckily my left hand and wrist was not as messy as my right hand. I did wind up in post-op ICU due to plummeting BP, but hey, I made it! I'm working along with strengthening. My stitches are out and I am trying to function more and more each day. This will be by no means my last surgery. I have a good 4 to 6 more to go for now but I am trying to wait until after marriage and after a year of doing time in West Virginia.

That leads me to my negative personality traits of being: relentless, worry wart, obsessive thinker, harper....you get the gist.

Don't you love when you finally decide to be an open hearted grown-up and divulge the fact that you unfortunately have these personality traits and then they are constantly brought up in a bit of an emotional abusive way to chastise you?

I don't, yet it seemed to happen to me a couple of times this week. Fun, right?

I will be honest. I am scared shitless about the day after my wedding. Not the actual getting married, the part that comes after the wedding. See, I never lived with a man....a very heterosexual man who lives, breathes, and dies sports (football in particular). I am moving up to a state I never thought I would move to, to be with a husband I never thought I would have.

My best friends are my mom and dad. See, I never made friends as a kid. A big portion of that has to deal with the fact that I had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis and I knew my body could not keep up with the normal active kids, so I withdrew, paid no mind to them, and lived in my own solo world. I don't make friends easily. So, when I move to a new place I am leaving my best friends behind.

How can the girl whose report card stated,"Andrea does not mingle well with classmates.", "Andrea does not play well with others", "Andrea needs to learn to seek a friend." make friends and a new life?

Andrea has been labeled a long time as having Serious Depressive Disorder. Unfortunately, that comes with obsessive worrying, thinking, and anxiety. I don't know how much more I could have been open with my fiance about this? I never lied, or held the truth, or tried to make it seem not as bad as it is. It isn't even the sports that pisses me off (it is for him) I'm hurt that he keeps throwing my mental issues back at me. That never feels good of being constantly reminded of issues you have. I don't need to be reminded, I live with the demons everyday.

I find it to be a form of emotional abuse and I am too strong of a person to accept that. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously my mental issues I cannot control (except with meds, which I take religiously to be better for him and my other loved ones) are things that bother/annoy him. I can't change that as much as he can't change the fact he may or may not compromise on watching sports even though he accused me of saying he can never watch sports again.

I'm just worried about being alone in a state I am not familiar with, without my best friends, and with a part-time husband. All of this worrying and stress is not good for my RA. That I know and I have been feeling particularly unhealthy these last couple of months. Having my negative personality traits being shoved down my throat doesn't help matters. That is for damn sure. I feel hurt more than pissed at this point.

Maybe my Dad was right, I'm not meant for marriage. Maybe I just keep pushing it because I think it should happen and that I don't want to die alone. That has been my biggest fear since the age of 3. See, what 3 year old obsesses about dying alone? Kids are a long stretch and I thought by getting married I would have a partner in life and fun. I can't have a partner that doesn't accept my traits. He can say the same thing about my thoughts on sports but sports aren't even the issue, the issue is not wanting to be alone. I don't want to smother him to death, but I don't want to be alone either and I will be alone all day long while he is at work and I only get him to myself on the weekends since he goes to bed before most geriatric people do. I'm so lost and confused. I don't even know if this is cold feet or just hurt feelings?

I spent a load of money thus far for the wedding and most of my deposits are non-refundable. I don't want to get married just to have a wedding because I already spent money, but I also don't want a divorce in the first year of marriage. I don't want to be a Kim Kardashian. I'm so torn. I know we love one another but sometimes being too opposite isn't so attractive. I feel I have changed more for him than he has changed for me. No one should have to change for anyone though either. I'm a mess. RA fuzzy brain doesn't help either. I can't sit here and things will magically change either, because that is not how the world works. Is this just a bump in the road, or a warning road sign?

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Wedding Planning and Surgery

I have not been on lately because I have been so busy doing wedding planning things. I met with and hired a cake baker. I am excited about the cake. I love some serious cake. I registered at Bed Bath and Beyond and that took forever but it came out nicely. Now let's see if we get any gifts ahahaha.

Tomorrow I have my left wrist and hand surgery so I will be off again for a good bit. Plus, I have been put on bed rest by my Rheumy today for at least a month, maybe two. I have a serious parotid gland issue. People with RA, Lupus, and Sjogrens can have inflammation of the parotid gland. Mine had a staph infection and subsequent major inflammation. It's been annoying but what can you do?

For any RA sufferers out there, try acupuncture. It has helped me to a good degree.

 I hope all of my readers are well and stay well.

I'm signing off for awhile!

XOXO
A

Friday, January 4, 2013

Ended 2012 with a Funeral and 2013 is Starting Off Bumpy


On December 24th my 94 year old grandma had a massive stroke while fixing waffles for my 48 year old Aunt that has Down Syndrome. Apparently it was not a good sight in her home as she laid there on the floor mumbling. My grandma always said she would die in her home, and essentially she succeeded. She was rushed to the hospital and never regained consciousness. She passed away early on the 26th. Our Christmas was not a happy one because we were so sad and worried. Luckily she did not suffer long. I had to leave my fiance time and fly up to NY for her funeral. Grandma's wake was Sunday the 30th and she was buried on New Year's Eve day. I am glad she did not suffer but I cannot shake the fact she died alone in a hospital. I never have been to a funeral and I am 34. I can barely hang in there mentally on any given day and I knew this funeral was going to be rough for many reasons. One being the end of an era and the other that my 48 year old Aunt that has Down Syndrome is a 6 year old child who has lost her Mom. It killed me and still kills me and I am unable to shake any of the visuals I always seem to get down to a tee. Grandma livd in the same house for 60 years and she was the glue that kept the family somewhat together. She was the hub and we were all satellites orbiting her. Now? Well, we have no hub and now the family will just drift further apart than it already has.

I was running on adrenaline and stress and now since I have been back home any psychological progress of "just being in the moment" has been wiped clean. Instead the cloud of sadness is settling in again as I sit and compulsively think about how I will be alone once my parents pass away. I have had this horrible obsessive thought process in regards to my parents inevitable demise. Being alone scares me and even though I'm getting married, I am unable to create a family of my own to take care of and have that experience. I was doing so well practicing "just being" and letting go of things I cannot change. That went all away and I don't know how to pick myself up and restart that process and progress again.

We all know with stress comes flares and I am in a big one. I tried so hard to rally for my grandma. I never thought she loved me that much out of her 20 grandchildren but it turns out that out of all the out of state grandchildren, she talked about me the most. When my aunt told me she was just talking about trying to make it to my wedding a week before her passing, I broke down.

I'm not in a happy and healthy place right now and I hope this brain cloud does not last long. I need to be mentally tough for my surgery coming on the 17th. Why can't I ever just pull it together in the mental department? I just want to shut down and block people out. I know that is not healthy but I do it often. 2013 was a year I was looking forward to. 13 is my lucky number and my birthday will be 4/13/13, my wedding 9/13/13, and my father's (and deceased gandma's) birthday 12/13/13. I thought this year was going to be full of magic and luck. The first 4 days of 2013 have been horrible. I'm hoping for a change for the better soon.

To my readers, Happy New Year full of health.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Acupuncture, Meditation, Pain Management Psychologist, OH MY!

I have been so so busy these last couple of weeks with multiple doctors appointments.

I thought I had an infected mastoid. Turns out it was way worse than what I self-diagnosed myself with. I have an infected parotid gland thanks to Rheumatoid Arthritis. It is a gland that takes up most of your cheek goes behind your ear and down your jaw. The right side of my face looked as though I got socked in the face. The swelling and pain was so intense. The huge swelling behind my right ear is a killer too. I had to have a head and neck MRI. Turns out RA infects glands too. Go figure. If I keep continuing with these infections, the gland must come out. My ENT doc was not making any jokes, if a piece of staph breaks loose it goes to my brain or down my spinal column and I then get menigitis. Bummer news on what a conscience positive choices I have been trying to make.

First, my chronic pain psychologist is a real great and HELPFUL guy. We've met twice and are working on feelings, how to resolve feelings, how to meditate, and do relaxation techniques through breathing. He made me start a gratitude journal. I have to focus on 3 things a day I am grateful for. He wants me to practice on being. Not doing or what I have done, just to be....be in the moment, be in the moment of pain and body scan and see what joint is hurting and how can I manage the pain right then and there, I am happy where this work is going.

I started the acupuncturist this week. We had a long meeting first and I went over everything. Then I had two treatments. This woman knows her stuff and I must admit the intense pain in my right hip has subsided some. It turns out in eastern medicine I have what is known as "wind damp heat" RA. In Eastern medicine, RA is called an impediment brought upon by evils. Can I get an amen? My RA is one of the rarest forms and apparently I was born with the evil in my spleen and liver. So besides hitting joints that need help the acupuncturist is working on spleen and liver cleansing because of my stagnate chi. She tells me every session to trust the universe. The universe has everything planned. It clicked with me the other day.

I was feeling a bit physically better and mentally healthy but then the tragedies of Sandy Hook Elementary happened yesterday. It brought me way back down to wear I was. My heart goes out to all of the victims and their families. As a teacher, I have been on many lockdowns and I know in my heart I would have protected my babies the way that one first grade teacher did. There is such evil in the world and it is easily to get sucked into it but I have to keep reminding myself that kindness exists as well.

I hope all of my readers are doing well. I have exciting news to share in January. It hasn't been made public yet so I will wait until it does.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Starting a New RA Path


So, I have to face the fact that I have RA. Rita and I will make peculiar bed fellows for life. The Duke Rheumatologist with her fancy blood tests has definitely diagnosed that I had JRA. I think I have been carrying Rita with me for a solid 26 years. My levels of inflammation are not going down Hello SED rate of 71 and climbing! Woot woot! I'm on my way to the 100 I always want to achieve hahaha.

I have to try a new path for RA. First, I need to accept that this is my "new normal" and that the disease (for now) won't quit raging in my body. That is why I saw a pain management specialist. He was quite nice (and I usually do not trust doctors) and I have started my new compounded pain relief gel. So far it has helped some joints but not my right hip. I'm hoping for relief in that bad boy soon. I have an appointment this Tuesday to see a Chronic Illness and Pain psychologist. I have some hope for that seeing I have a strong psychological background.

I went to one therapist two years ago and specifically stated the following:

1. I need to learn solid coping mechanisms.
2. I need to learn resiliency.
3. I need to train my brain not to focus on pain (Hello Cognitive Behavior therapy)
4. I need to work on self-efficacy.

Yep, how more can a patient be specific? I went fully telling this dip shit what I needed assistance with. She did not know how to handle me, my disease, or chronic pain. We didn' last long.

So now this time I need help with the same 4 issues and hopefully this specialist in the field can truly help.

My next appointment is on December 11th for acupuncture. I am not a huge believer in Eastern medicine but if it doesn't hurt and it might help, I'll give it a solid try.

Then in January I am heading back to my home state, Florida. My Dad wants me to try cryosauna therapy and freeze my synovial fluid and release my inflammation. I'm all for being cold. I open the freezer doors at the grocery store and stand in front of them for some joint relief towards the end of my shopping.

I will continue with my meds and hopefully I will start to feel well enough I can try some exercise and not suffer weeks after for trying to move.

If none of these things work, then I don't know what I'll do? I am running out of options after all this. However, the pain management specialist said there are still some things to try so I have to hold on hope for this guy.

I feel like I am going to be an experimentation but I promise to report any findings to you all in case you can try the same things for relief.

Here's to a new path everyone!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Pain Management Specialist

I'm sorry I have not posted in a good while. A concerned reader even checked in on me. That was sweet. It makes me think my ramblings on here aren't just for my ego.

Yesterday I saw a Pain Management Specialist in hopes of finding ways to calm down the chronic pain that comes with a chronic illness. We met for an hour and discussed everything I've been through and offered some things we can start together. He will take over dispensing the pain medication. I take demarol. I know that it is an antiquated pain med but it is the only thing I can truly tolerate and it helps. I will also start seeing an acupuncturist on December 11th. I am not a huge believer in Eastern medicine but I will try it in hopes that it helps me. I was also given a compounded pain gel to rub on joints that are painful up to 3 to 4 times a day. I just received that today. I have tried it on my hip and shoulder. We'll see how that goes. I will also be seeing a chronic pain psychologist. I think that may actually be of benefit to me. I have never truly accepted my diagnosis. I think this is worth a try.

Hope all is well!

Saturday, November 10, 2012

A Day in the Life of the RA (RUPUS) Patient


What another damn busy week! Monday of this week was the only "free" day I had from doctors, yet I assisted in going with my mother to her mammogram, so that still counted as seeing a doctor.

Tuesday morning I did my monthly blood for my one Rheumy. 5 horse tubes and a shot vein and Tuesday was also my Duke Rheum doctor. My numbers are through the roof despite the two back to back rounds of rituxan. Go figure! I went through all of that for pretty much nothing thus far. Another 5 horse tubes of blood and a nice bruised vein  She still wants me to to a 24 hour pee jug test to see if I pee protein, which is an indicator for amyloidosis (which she still suspects I may have). I start that magical test tomorrow. I will be home all day measuring my piss and keeping it on ice. What a happening life I have. Then I drop my jug off Monday morning for review.

My vein 4 days later. I look like a drug user with tracks.



Wednesday was the stress test from hell. A RA patient with two major knee surgeries, a bum hip, and an ankle that needs fusing on a treadmill? Yikes, I didn't know how that was going to work. They wired me up, pumped me up with radioactive dye and away I went on a fast incline. I have tachycardia my resting heartbeat averages around 110 to 120. It can go as high as 160 just sitting. I started off at 110 on the treadmill I asked what I needed to get to. They said 159, I then said yippieee mofos I won't be on this thing long. I got to 189 in 3 minutes. Then they took pics of my heart on this scan. Then they told me I had to come back the next morning. Right then and there I knew I flunked something.

I was flipping out because it does not take a lot for me to go to a dark place of woe and worry. I came back on Thursday and they shot me up again with radioactive dye and took resting pics. The doctor then saw me. The reason I had to come back is because the first set of pics showed one of my chambers as "hazy". She then said I had good looking scans but still an enlarged heart most likely due to my tachycardia which is due to my pain which is due to my RA. See the chain there? It all goes back to Rita. I have to stay on my heart meds and find away to control inflammation/pain. Yeah, good luck to me on that.

Later that same day I saw my foot doctor. I got my 3 piggy back shots and talked about subtalar infusion. He first wants me to try PT. Now, I have been a PT goer for years. I find it a colossal waste of time and money. He was shocked I said that. I meant it. He said I am the only patient that challenges his thoughts. I think that was code for, "stop being a pain in my ass". I will give stupid PT another whirl.

Then I had my primary care doctor appointment. She wants me to try acupuncture. She doesn't believe in it but she thinks it can't hurt, it might help. Um, that is what I thought about the chiro ahole a couple of months ago and guess what? It did hurt!

I will amuse Dr. Raman and do it. I contacted the woman. We'll see.

Now onto the best part. My dad wants me to go to Orlando (where I grew up) to get cryogenic therapy. Cryogenic therapy you ask? Watch the below youtube video. It is often used in Eastern Europe and was invented by a Japanese man in the 70's to cure RA and AS patients. The liquid nitrogen will freeze my synovial fluids and then I will somehow magically piss my RA away in the toilet. I'm doing this in January. He's hell bent on the fact that this is the cure I need. I will be a frozen popsicle for 5 days 2 treatments a day. Good times.


I have to stand in this thing for 3 minutes with clean socks. I;m not going in butt ass naked. I'm stating that now!

What a freaking week. At least I don't need heart surgery. There is the plus for this week.

Still have a right hand and a right ankle lined up on the surgery list. Maybe I can freeze my limbs right off?

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Chronic Illness to Chronic Complainer?

I purposefully went to bed at 9:30 and did not watch any political result coverage. I knew who was going to be elected. It killed me to know who was going to win, so why watch coverage of it? Tossed and turned all night, stayed off facebook to see the gloating, stayed away from my computer, the TV, stayed safely in my cocoon of comfort. I wake up at 4 something in the morning, made a GIANT mistake.....I looked at facebook. Yep, gloating all over the place. Gloating, gloating, gloating. It made me sick to my stomach that they were celebrating my lack of health care these next 4 years and beyond (let's face it no Republican will be in office for a long long time because underachievers want achievers to be at their low level). As I saw it, my friends were celebrating my slow and painful demise all in the name of marriage equality and Obamabucks. I want marriage equality too but I would choose health, in particular all of our health, our chronic illness we fight everyday. I'm sorely disappointed by my country, my friends, and my fiance. He thinks I overreact and that I am thinking worst case scenario. He never has a retort to the fact I read the 1000 plus page ACA. I know what and the rest of us are in for.

So saddened, disgusted, enraged, disappointed, disenchanted, and getting to become numb. I deactivated my facebook. I don't know if I will ever return. It won't be for a long time, I can tell you that now. I'm tired of being assaulted by lies and bullshit.

Now on to chronic illness to chronic complaining (above was not complaining, just venting. I want to make that distinction now).

I had an important doctor's appointment at Duke Rheumatology yesterday afternoon. The main point of the visit was to go over what I already knew. That I 99.9% had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis as a kid (hello swollen knees and awful pain legs my whole childhood...along with popping joints and just overall never functioned as a limber kid) and that I am a sero negative RA patient because JRA does not show Rheumatoid Factor in adult versions. Rupus (RA and Lupus) was confirmed. Then that nasty subject of amyloidosis was brought up again. My Duke Rheumy strongly suspects I have a secondary form of it. So, I did a blood test and if that comes back positive along with me and my awesome 24 hour piss jug test, I have to see a neurologist and get a fat pad in my stomach biopsied. I have a nuclear stress test later today and she hopes that protein deposits would be shown on the scans, if so, she has her answer to amyloidosis sooner than the blood tests come back.

My mother goes with me to my appointments. I never ask her to come, she just comes, then when she goes and hears all of these various hardships I endure then she gets all mad and pissy. So I had to deal with a pissy mommy on the way home from the appointment and she obviously zoned out and did not retain anything the doctor had said. So there was the 1st person that zoned me out on my doctor's appointment.

Then my Dad called wanting to know how my appointment went. I was in the middle of saying what happened and what was said and he was rushing me off the phone and had to go. 2nd person that was not paying full attention TO A FREAKING QUESTION THEY ASKED!

Then the third and final straw? WW asks me how it went, I'm in the middle of explaining my day and the outcomes and I noticed I didn't have his full attention either. He was looking off and futzing with something on his computer. Then it dawned on me, no one no longer wants to hear about my damn health woes. I think I am literally boring people to death by my piss poor medical shit, or it is just too negative news for them to absorb, or I am now a chronic complainer? I'm at a loss for why 3 separate cherished loved ones just quite bluntly dissed me. Hey, guess what folks? Don't fucking ask me how my appointment went if you are not fully interested. I'll just absorb it like I usually do, ON MY OWN.

Do people want to hear, "my appointment was great!", "my appointment was the usual", or "it was fine" as a response? If that's the case, I can say those generic replies.

Then my aunt texted me asking me to keep her updated about the election. I told her I had a shitty day full of shitty info and that I was going to bed. She asked what was wrong, I tell her. She texts back oh ok feel better love u! Umm feel better? What does feeling better feel like? I'm not going to get better that was the damn point of the appointment. I'm just dumbfounded by my 4 loved ones acting the way they did.

After my stress test (if I don't croak from a heart attack) I'm not saying a damn blessed word to anyone about the results. If they remember to ask I will give one of the above generic responses. I guess that is what I have to start doing. It's either no one cares or they just don't want to absorb your health hardships, if that's the case then that equals not caring too.

After having 10 horse tubes of blood being drawn yesterday and all of this swirling shittiness that surrounds me....I can already gather today is going to blow.

I'm so fed up lately. I just want to pack a bag like I used to do, go to the airport with passport in hand and find an available flight, pick it and drop off the earth for a bit. I am seriously starting to contemplate taking a solo spiritual journey soon (if my health allows because we know what prisoners we are because of our diseases). I'm getting too caught up in too many things (wedding planning being one major thing) and whose to know if I will even be around much longer?

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Drawing Lines in The Sand











Whew, am I pissed. Does Sandy and her barometric pressure have something to do with this mood? Does pain have something to do with this mood? Or, is it selfish people that have something to do with this mood? See, here is a little backstory. I grew up with a very selfish man in my life, my dad. Don't get me wrong, I love the man to death but he has always been and will always continue to be selfish with his "I'll do what I want when I want and to hell with the rest of you." Now, that is a fine attitude to have as a single man with no dependents, like, oh say a wife and daughter. Play Judo even though you don;t have the knees for it? Sure! Why not? Go to sketchy foreign countries and hang out with shady locals? Sure! Why not? Go flying by yourself in a puddle jumper without being fully licensed? Sure! Why not? I get the whole you have to live your life attitude but why take the selfish route when you know you have loved ones who rely on you being on this planet. Not rely in the economic sense, but in the emotional sense. Especially knowing one loved member is emotionally fragile. I saw what that selfish "I'll do what I want" attitude did to my mom. It made her into an awful worry wart, an obsessive worrier. It's not fair. Now, she has the oddest neurosis I have ever seen.

I swore I wasn't go to be with a selfish person and I work everyday not to be a selfish person (it comes so easily for the only child in me) but I know I always keep my loved ones in mind when something dangerous comes into play. You know how Sandy hit with flooding and wind for a lot of states? Well, Sandy dumped a good amount of snow/blizzard material on the state of West Virginia. What did my fiance do today? Drove to school. What is he going to do tomorrow despite the Governer's strict and stern warning? Yep, drive to school. I am appalled at his school for even being open. They are going to get an earful from me tomorrow. Second, I gave an earful to my fiance but he held that same selfish attitude my Dad has, and it pissed the hell out of me. Same ol' I'll do what I want and to the hell with all of you all over again. Nope, not going to do it. I have NO room in my life for that for another 33 years. I'm drawing a line in the sand thanks to Sandy. I refuse to be living with someone let alone married to someone who did the same thing to me my whole life. All in the name of stupid school?! It's school! They will survive a day without your presence. See, my fiance has Ankylosing Spondylitis. His neck and back are completely fused. He can't turn his neck or back. His neck does not move, therefore, if he were to get in an accident (God forbid) no rescue crew could move his neck or intubate him. He will be further fucked up if not dead. Nice, huh? He was convinced he couldn't drive for oh twelve years or so and then I had to come into his life and encourage his driving by saying I see midgets with no hands drive, I think you could drive with the right equipment. Well, am I ever fucking sorry I encouraged him. Now he thinks he doesn't have AS and he can drive just fine on the craziest smallest country roads with fallen trees, ice, and snow. What is the moral to this story? I'll never encourage him to do anything ever again.

I'm hurt in all honesty. Hurt he didn't even consider my feelings, thoughts, or concerns about his own safety. Didn't consider the fact that I emotionally rely on him and thanks to him he saved my life during one real awful year. I had and almost succeeded in offing myself but I stopped despite the awful non-stop pain and constant medical let down because of my consideration for my parents and the prospect of being loved by someone I loved too. Now, I don't even get the same consideration. Woah, major red flag.

It hasn't been a good fiance communication week. Last night I mentioned how I have been working hard on wedding planning (an academic who is not bridal in the least trying to plan a wedding is funny in itself), and how I was working on our wedding website all day. What did he say in all honesty? "We have a wedding website?" That was a knife to the heart. Then I also tell him I have a meeting with a photographer today at 11. He texts me 10 times during my awkward meeting with the photographer. I call him afterwards and said I was in the meeting. Guess what? He forgot about that too. What the hell? I know dudes could give two shits less about weddings but try and pretend to care and follow along. After tomorrow, who knows if he'll be alive to even attend the wedding. I will have to find a new groom with the initials of WS because I just ordered a shit load of monogramed shit for our wedding.

He won't see why I am making a "big deal" about this. I bet you 10 bucks, 10 bucks to any reader who reads this and responds. I promise I'll send the dough. I know I am not hormonal about this because I don't have an ovarian reserve or a thyroid. I am on hormone pills and anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. I haven't missed a dose so I know I am medically induced sane right now.

His new anthem should be I am a rock, I am an island.