I'm going all Carrie Bradshaw on this post a la Sex and the City.
Can a girl be a crude prude and is my fiance with the right mate? (insert cigarette smoking while typing on MAC gazing out the window to see...well see woods instead of the NYC landscape).
I'm infamous for reading too much, analyzing too much, and over analyzing too much.
Yesterday as stated was NOT A GOOD DAY. The day (despite my best efforts spilled into today). I tried to complete leisure reading today instead of school work. I like to read COMSO but I also love to read Psychology Today. This is an example of the many dichotomies that make-up, well make-up...me.
I often wonder two essential questions since I have been engaged. First, is my fiance with the right mate? Second, am I with the right mate?
Psychology Today was reading my mind because they had a large article today about the exact subject.
The article was essentially about maladaptive behaviors...all the ones I possess in all honesty. The article was telling me everyone questions this but it is how you deal with it that matters. The article was interesting but it made me further realize the differences my fiance and I face. We are complete opposites in every sense. He's quiet....I'M LOUD (as I was told this evening was a pet peeve of my fiance concerning me). He loves sports.....I HATE SPORTS. I love art and cinema....HE HATES IT. He's a dude....and I'M A CRUDE PRUDE.
I'm not allowed to go into detail how I grossed out my fiance this evening. I asked for permission and was denied. However, as I was done grossing him out and painting a visual, he laid back and stated, "You just disgust me sometimes!". I laughed at myself (per usual) but I think I really struck another pet peeve in the bubbling pet peeve well. I have to admit I am so prudish in a lot of ways but God do I have a crude mouth and thought process. I think it struck my fiance that his fiancee can be nasty. Yet, he tells nasty jokes and receives nasty jokes all day and just passes it off as dudes being dudes. Why can't I be a crude prude? I thought sick female behavior was all the rage now? Hello, Bridesmaids anyone?
I mean it by the same creators as Superbad....all dudes loved Superbad. I thought it was contrite. I bust out original shit. My crudeness is like free flow rap in rap battles.
Why couldn't my fiance handle it? I really often think (I'm sure this will peeve him off too. Hey I go big before I go home) he is with the wrong girl. I don't know how I am for him. I rarely think I am for anyone. I know I am hard to like, love, get along with, console, soothe, get through, teach, make points, and get sarcastic with/to. I get it. I know my flaws and I have been trying to fix them for the last year and a half. I have come a long way with therapy and Cognitive Behavior Training (CBT). However, as hard as I try to change somethings about me, somethings I can't. One day, my fiance will wake-up and tell me he was wrong and choose someone else more suiting. I realized tonight that I tried showing my dude "aka crude prude" side tonight and on my WV adventure just to try and fool myself into thinking we could be more alike and that way I feel we could work. See, other fiances (for the most part) live with or near by one another. It's real hard to work on a long distance relationship. Nerves get raw, pet peeves apparently come out and chap asses (one or two asses depending on your genetic make-up...long inside joke on this one), and words become like bombs. People say, well that sounds like an ordinary relationship.
Well kids, this here lies the problem. Usually a hug, snuggle session, and a kiss can make up for any resentments. You don't have that in a long distance relationship. You go to bed hurt, mad, sad, and alone. One another can't take away the sting of what just took place. Without that physical contact after exchange of words...you can go to bed stewing. I found out this problem lately. I finally put words to my feelings. That is hard for me to do sometimes.
I need to change a lot of my ways, but what I took away from this article that started this blog catharsis is that both parties in a relationship need to change. You just have to hope that both parties change in order to grow together, not apart.
Will I ever make it to that almighty marriage license? I hope so. It's hard to gauge when we aren't living together. Tomorrow was supposed to be move-in day. I should be happy and giddy to start that new chapter with my fiance tomorrow. I think I have a lot of sadness about that too. I might have to treat myself to a lady day in order to take my mind off that. I think I may have been secretly upset about that too. I realized that today as I was lying in bed combatting Rita flaring up after yesterday's horrible physical test. I just want to not grow apart, I've been working on fixing the divide.
My Uncle called it love in progress and to place up construction signs. That wasn't a bright look for an already Debbie Downer.
Ughhhhhh, my brain should have kicked in by now. Will we make it? All I can say is I hope, and I will try and be less disgusting, crude, and loud. I'll just try and be a girl....No Doubt style.
I will try and be more of a lady so I can be the right mate. One that does not peeve or embarrass my fiance.