Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I Don't Know How Some People Make It

No one likes to be hurt but how you handle the feelings of being hurt is a whole different game. It's even worse when the person who hurt you doesn't get it or see it the same way. I am used to others not seeing things my way, that is what comes with thinking differently. I am super sensitive, I don't like showing that side to many and the people I do show it to...I guess I feel they should hold that sacred. I know, wishful thinking. I guess that is why I stayed a lone wolf a long time. I realized over the years that relationships of all kinds can and in my case will eventually hurt. I know, nothing's perfect. Perhaps being in a flare and on roids make me extra sensitive but I need validation on my hurt feelings.

I have a long distance relationship. I know a whole other stamina comes with that just like a different stamina comes with being together day in day out. In my relationship, we make it a point to video chat every night. I had to swallow and accept the fact that my partner does not like to "chit chat" and finds it hard to talk about things. I, on the other hand, can chit chat about anything. So once he told me this in plain English, I really have tried working harder on understanding that and accepting the fact that he doesn't like chit chatting, gets tired earlier than I do at night, and does not like staring into the computer screen for too long. Okay, I get it and I personally feel I have done a great job for once. I even thought to myself the other day how proud I was of myself.

Yesterday was a long day for both of us without too much communication so I naturally get excited to see him on the computer and chat with him. He looked tired. I asked him if he was tired, he said yes. So, I took that as my cue that he wanted to go to bed. I didn't want to leave the chat but I was trying to accept the fact that he was tired and thought he wanted to go to bed. Again, I was proud of myself.

By off chance he was still awake watching TV, I texted him because I wanted to tell him something. I had a sneaking suspicion he was playing online video games and he was. He admitted it. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, he wasn't so tired as I thought he was and led me to believe he was and looking at a computer screen can't hurt him that bad at night if he is up playing games. Then he texted me and said "what was it that you wanted? The guys are fixing a ship that just broke". My mouth kind of fell open. Not only was I ditched for video games but then he had time to text me real quick because some cyber boat was being fixed? I started to cry, first in anger, then realizing this isn't what I want out of a relationship. 

I know it is hard for me (as an only child) to fathom that I am not the center of someone's universe 24/7...but for once I was really trying to be good about something. I listened to him tell me "it could be worse, I could be out every night at a bar drinking". At first, I really hated the justification bullshit. Yet, I tried convincing myself that he was right, it could be worse. I managed sucking on that bitter pill and left things alone. However, last night something snapped in me, I was crying in bed thinking I can't be with someone who does this. I felt like I have been doing so good by not fighting about it anymore, giving two shits less about video gaming during the day, accepting the fact he doesn't like to chit chat, and that staring at a screen hurts his eyes...blah blah blah blah. 

I don't know what hurt me more, the fact that I was being respectful of his complaints about video chatting (secretly knowing it hurts inside to see him every night but not be in the same room), or being respectful of those complaints but those complaints didn't seem to bother him so much while playing video games? Or, the fact that he abruptly texted me and asked what I was wanting because a ship was being fixed in cyber space? I guess it was a culmination of all of those things. 

I have a friend from high school who is married to someone who lives for gaming. He's 30 something just like us, and I asked her if it bothered her that her husband does it. She said it pisses her off BUT at least she knows where he is. That sounded like the line of shit I was being fed, "it could be worse...." What gives with us females starting to believe and live their lines of shit? I realized around 3 AM as I tossed and turned, I never was that person so why should I change now? Just because I'm in love and want to keep a man? That doesn't sit well with me. I know I have an overall great man in my life, but how much are we supposed to overlook things that really bother is in a relationship, just to say I have a great man in my life? 

I'm really a sad mess about this. I just feel like the nightly ritual we have of video chatting means more to me than it does him. It's all I have though for the next 19 months. I think maybe video chatting once to twice a week would be better and using the phone. This way I don't see that he is tired and feel bad to cut the conversation knowing he may want to sleep. This way, it won't sting as bad when he plays video games at night. I don't know? I wish he could see it and feel it the way I do. He's always one to tell me to be in someone else's shoes and see and feel it from their perspective but why can't he do that with me and my feelings about this?

I can't struggle with this when and if we are actually together. I know I can't. I at least know that now and if he feels the same way about knowing he can't deal with a woman who feels this way about his love for gaming, then feelings need to be acknowledged and rectified now before it's too late.

I hope the hurt feelings go away soon but I kind of have had a belly full of being understanding only for it to come back and smack me in my face and disappoint me to my core.

I forgot to post a picture for yesterday's photo challenge. Yesterday's (Day 12) photo challenge was solitary. Looking back on it, perhaps yesterday's challenge was a sign? Maybe I truly am made for a solitary life.

Today's theme is even a bigger sign. Today's theme is REMOVE. I'm a big believer in signs. I always used to go by my gut feeling and I tried changing that about me for this relationship. Now after reading over my post, I just see me trying to change a lot yet I don't know how much he has changed for me. Then, there's that feeling that no one should change for anyone. Which then makes me wonder if we aren't right for one another. Relationships are hard. They shouldn't have to be so hard, should they? I'm bouncing ideas off in cyber space. I wish a shrink would read this and respond.

2 comments:

  1. Wish I could email you. This won't let me type. Lil14fun@gmail. Is me. I want to tell you you are right. You re

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