Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Rita is a Beauty Sucker

Well, it looks like I got beat up in a bar fight last night. In a way, I wish I did. That means I was at a bar, having fun, and drinking like I don't have a chronic disease. That also means I was whooping it up and slamming them back last night instead of minding my kidneys and my liver because of my high potent RA drugs. Nope, I wasn't doing any of that. My night consisted of pain and ever so gently slurping sugar-free JELLO off a plastic spoon and not being able to open my mouth all last night (which carried into today) due to all of my dental work. See, Rita started attacking my jaw joints. I have to admit that I never knew there were 200 plus joints in a human body until I started reading at the Rheumy's office. When my jaw is pried open for too long it starts to pop and creak and then slam shut. I'm on a liquid diet for the next couple of days.

Which leads to thoughts I was having last night tossing and turning in my own bed of self-pity. I really think Rita has taken away my two ugly step-sisters beauty and pretty.

I woke up today to a swollen face, pale lips, dark circles, and swollen fingers/hands. I looked in the mirror a good long time this morning. I literally asked myself, "where did you go?". Perhaps a looming birthday is to blame. You know how people break down around New's Year Eve reflecting on how they did not accomplish what they wanted to accomplish during that year? I do that on my birthday. If anything this past year on various RA drugs has made me fatter, made my dark circles darker, made my nails even more bitter, and made me feel more lethargic. These are beauty things I'd love to change but can't due to my meds. What will this new age bring? I may be too scared to find out in all honesty.

This past year did bring two big winds of change though. An endeavor into a new Master's program and a loving fiance. Ol'WW pretty much demands that I look at the positives. So, I need to mention that but the way I function makes me think about 10 negatives for every positive. I know he doesn't want me to think that way. I'm feeling blue. Every year I feel like I should have been further into a life plan and then when I really sit and think about it, I don't have a life plan. I'm stagnant and in limbo for the good amount of time being.

A wish list for this upcoming new age (not a resolution list):

1. To be married (which I don't think will happen).
2. Start a family (which I don't think will happen either).
3. Start a new career (which I may or may not make happen...I'll try).
4. Hell, I'd settle for living with my fiance (nope, doubtful here too).
5. Get rid of Obama in office (I wish for this often and I'm not wasting my wish on my birthday cake).
6. Get healthier (I really just made myself laugh out loud on this one).
7. Go into Rita Remission (can Arava my new wonder drug help in this goal?)
8. Stop thinking too much (other meds will help with that hopefully).
9. Take things for what they are and follow the dude line: "it is what it is" (I started yesterday and already want to choke on the thought).
10. Be more creative (I'm currently trying to work on that, I hope it lasts).
11. Make at least 2 new facebook friends and stop using the hashtag of #MissAnnThrope (this one is hard).
12. Be happier and enjoy these many many months alone manless (my mom's advice she says I need to follow).
13. Stop gauging my piss poor life on the fellow friends' life timeline and society's timeline of marriage, kids, and home ownership.

We'll see. I highly doubt I will accomplish 25% of this list.
A song that has been on my mind, when romantic songs were romantic.

I wish it was easy as buying a new life.

On a creative side note. Here is Day 6 photo's challenge of "Compare". I compared the shades and tints of a primary color. No one saw the beauty in this idea or photo. The joke's on them!


  1. soundtrack: Beautiful/ Christina Aguilera, Unpretty/TLC, and Birthday/Sugarcubes.
    reading suggestion: I am not I by Juan Ramon Jimenez
    I hope all your wishes come true.
    Thank you for writing from the heart about hard things.
    When I had my first flare up of uveitis, one of my eyes was swollen, red, and because of the medication my pupil was unnaturally large, oh, and misshapen, too. A colleague actually laughed at me, when I took off my dark glasses. I understand about nervous laughter. I know I looked freakish. But it really got me down. And it got me thinking. You describe it all so well.
    ~ J.

  2. Thanks J,

    I appreciated the song suggestions and reading suggestion. I have an awful habit of having songs stuck in my head. That is so awful that your coworker laughed at you during your awful case of uveitis. Not only does that hurt, your self-esteem is already down in the dumps. People can be so amazingly cruel and non-supportive. I am glad you like reading my blog. I at least have someone who understands on here.

    All the best,

  3. Yeah, I really get it. : )
    Those songs were in my head as I was reading the post, also Lady Gaga's I was Born this Way. And the poem sprang to mind as well. But please feel free to disregard of course as you feel lead...
    My daughter and I get songs stuck in our heads something awful, too. On Spongebob we heard that this is called an EAR WORM. How gross is that. I realize now that by mentioning Spongebob it kind of seems like I get all of my information from the show.
    Thanks for your compassionate response.
    ~ J.