Monday, April 30, 2012

Babies

I know I posted about children here before. With my meds I am unable to get pregnant by accident on my wonder drugs (I use wonder loosely). I am 33 and running out of time. My fiance being nice was trying to hold out and go with the flow and indulge me on my quest of talking to geneticists in regards to both of our autoimmune diseases. Today he saw his Rheumy and his doctor asked about having children. He said he was open to it but the doctor reminded him of a gene marker he has for his disease and how since it is positive for him there are significant chances of passing that gene on to our child. I know what he has been through and I admire him greatly for the strength and dignity he has shown during his struggles/pain/surgeries. I didn't admit to him that I kind became weepy after we hung up. That was the last nail in the baby debate coffin. I don't want to be selfish in passing on bad genes to my baby. It's not fair to them. I know this sounds awful but it is coming from an honest place in my heart. I cannot stand seeing dwarves having children full well knowing the chances of their baby having dwarfism is great. They know the struggles they dealt with in life, why would you want to do that to an innocent soul?

Granted, I want to be selfish and have a baby and know I can share all of my love with them. Teach them what I know, show them all of the great things I have seen before they entered my life...know I made an awesome soul with my fiance....have the chances most women get to have and experience. I often wonder why I have to deal with all of this? I know I can sit here and analyze and search till the cows come home but it won't do any good. My dad felt badly for me as he saw me crying in the kitchen. He said, well...we'll help you adopt! I looked into that. People with autoimmune diseases at our level are placed at the bottom of the list. I told him that and he honestly (yet let me state jokingly) "well, I'll steal a baby for you." His heart is in the right place because he knows once him and my mom pass, I'm alone as an only child with no real big family to speak of. The fear of being alone has been eating away at me lately. I noticed as my parents age it is becoming more of a realization. I don't want my fiance to ever think he is damaged goods because of his disease, both of us simply did not win the genetic lottery. That is a simple finite fact. I guess I have to pick myself up once again, dust myself off, and forge ahead into an uncertain future with no baby to love. I wish I could have shared that experience with my fellow females but I know now I have to give up the ghost.

I just sighed and stared off into space. I go away, I go my own way....


4 comments:

  1. This is a debate I constantly have with myself. I'm leaning towards to no kids side too, especially as my sister is pregnant and I can project all my love onto that poor unsuspecting child. But then there are days where I can't stand the thought of not being a mother. It's tough.

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  2. My heart goes out to you. Truly I DO understand this trial you are going through. I had my children and then found out I had ra. My youngest was about 6 when this happened. I can honestly say that I am not sure I would have had children if I had known I was carrying this disease but in my case I didn't. No one that we know of in either family has autoimmune problems. And it sounds like you have a heart of gold. I know that this is no reals solution but maybe you could become a "big sister" to someone in need of guidance and hope. You seem to have such a wonderful soul and it seems like you have so much to give. Ironically neither my son or my daughter want to have children and not due to genetics...they just don't want to do the marriage or child thing. And to be honest I am almost relieved about their decision with not wanting children. I am not saying they won't change their minds down the road..one is 30 and the other 20. But do know that whatever you decide, your heart is in the right place.

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  3. KirBir it is tough but whatever choice you make, always know you made the right choice for you. It is a tough debate but one worth thinking through. ;)

    Deb-Thanks so much for your kind kind words. It has been tough and will continue to be tough but I guess I have to move on. I was a teacher for low socioeconomic students, one parent no longer wanted her son and wanted me to adopt him. I should have jumped at that chance then. I am glad you had your children and did not know about your RA before you had them. I somewhat wished that was my case. I will look into the Big Brother/Sister suggestion. They are a great organization. Thank you for telling me my heart is in the right place. I just have to remind myself often that I do not personally want my baby having a chance of suffering like I do/did. My Dad apologizes once a day to me for passing on what he believes was his fault. Take care and I hope you and your kittens are doing well.

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  4. Thanks for your honest and moving post. My heart goes out to you and your love as you navigate this issue. I know of one mom I worked with in early intervention who had health issues, and she adopted kids who were in the system. She got adorable beautiful perfect babies...with special needs. I wonder if her own health issues made her such a great mom, she was so protective, such a fierce advocate and saw them as absolutely wonderful in every way. Looking to the future, I wonder if the fact that she has these health issues will make her a good model for her kids. She can show them how she is a warrior, how she can take care of herself, how we are all dealing with our special needs and our own unique strengths.
    All the best of happiness to you--
    J.

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