Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Emotional Casino Games

I cried myself to sleep last night after I wrote my post. My mom mentioned talking to a professional again. I have yet to find a professional that can understand the concept of chronic illness and the levels of despair and disdain that comes along with it. I know I had a severe breakdown from pain and exhaustion in 2010/2011. After that, I tried working with professionals to get me back to some sort of normalcy and reality. It never worked because I have severe trust issues. I never let them in and kept them all at my long arm's reach. I know, I wasn't helping myself in the interim but when I was getting speeches about "think about the other person, their mom may have just died." Yeah, so what? Mine may have just died too, do you think the other person cares? That type of combative behavior would ensue and I started giving up when these touchy-feely professionals were trying me complete tasks that were not the root of my problem. The root of my problem is that I am severely angry at the shitty hand I was dealt (poker or blackjack). No one can seem to offer useable coping mechanisms for that.

This leads me to the game of roulette. I think I may have done something stupid with my life. I did what no one should ever do, place all their money on one number and let it ride. The house always wins folks. I played roulette with my heart. It dawned on me today. I put all of my chips (or too many eggs in one basket) on the table in my relationship. I did something reckless, I put too many hopes and expectations on my relationship as though having a relationship would get me out of my debilitating funk and back to functioning. It's like my relationship came at a good time in the area of focus. I focused too much on my relationship and not enough on my still obvious problems of resentment and denial of a disease that will be with me for the rest of my life. I guess I was banking on my relationship to solve all my problems over night. That is simply not plausible or fair for my fiance for that matter. He's not here to heal me, he can't fix my problems. No one but me can fix them and by fix I guess I mean accept what has been given to me and how I will live most of days in pain and deformity. I have to admit a budding new relationship did really get my focus off my issues and then I hyper focused on a relationship. Whilst doing that, I didn't help myself with the same problems that broke me down two years ago, and they are still present and accounted for. As a relationship grows older, more familiar, and stagnant (as is the case in my long distance one) my focus has now just shifted back to my old problems, worries, and concerns. I was unrealistically expecting my relationship to save me from my problems because it was new and exciting. I shouldn't have been so silly and childish in my thought process there. I only let myself down. My mom always said I was too hard on myself and always put too much pressure on myself. She's right. It has been a very unhealthy habit all of my life.

It just goes to show that even if I were pre-occupied with a job or a life, my usual issues will always be there and they will always haunt me and taunt me. This is a prison sentence, not a moment for when life  gives you lemons, make lemonade. You can't make lemonade with my issues.


  1. I'm sorry honey :( I want to just reach out to you and give you a monster bear hug. I'm still working through my issues but I'm in a little better place having spent some time with my sister and really thinking about what I want to do with my life. I have always been hard on myself too. Sometimes I wonder if we get RA and like issues because it's supposed to teach us patience or something... And then I think that's a silly idea :) I'm here if you need to talk honey!

  2. Thanks KirBir. Man has it been a struggle lately. I've been better these last couple of days...well at least trying. I could use a monster bear hug and I'd give one right back because you have been struggling so much too. If RA was given to teach me patience it was wasted ahahah. I am the least patient person! I often and still do from time to time ask "why did I get this?" I asked that often in therapy. No one gave me a clear cut answer. I'm glad we can be open with one another. Take care! xoxoxo

  3. You have so much insight, this is bound to lead to great healing...
    ~ Janine

  4. Let's hope Janine. I sure do want to emotionally heal myself. I think it would help my RA a good bit. xoxo