Monday, May 28, 2012

So Utterly and Incredibly Restless

I finally finished my prednisone today. Did I get the results I was expecting for all of the suffering of side effects? Nope, not really. One thing those pills helped with was the itching. I guess that is a positive, right?

I wonder if my actual itchiness was stemming from my inner itch of restlessness and angst? I'm oh so restless with my current stagnant life. Stagnant because of disease, stagnant because of mundane schooling, stagnant because of my relationship. Every component of my life is stagnant. I feel as though I am drowning in algae. Algae happens because of stagnant water. I do not even know what to do or how to fix my stagnant situations. That is a real incredible sad part. I'm angry about so much from not working (being a productive citizen) to not being able to being at least the little bit active (either in physical workouts or even just going out and being a part of life).

I can blame Rita for a lot of this but it should be on me to help myself out of this deep sinking pit of a rut. I was working today on school work. I finished a term paper. Then I read two chapters for a test I have tomorrow. Then I sat there looking at my calendar to the left of my computer. All I had written down were doctor's appointments and class related items. I decided to keep flipping through the months to see what I had going on, almost like I envisioned a social life portion to my calendar. I just sat there and a wave of sadness ensued. This should not be the calendar of a single (in the terms of not being married) 33 year old woman. I never knew my life would result to this in all honesty. This is what June looks like on my calendar.

June 8th- pre-op appointment for hand
June 12th-Final Economics exam
June 14th-Surgery
June 25th-Dentist
June 27th-Jury Duty
June 28th- RA Infusion.

Wow, how can I contain my excitement? All the following months follow the same type of plan. I've tried so much harder not to focus on this "new normal"of mine but it still angers me and saddens me to tears on a daily basis. I just can not shake the feeling of being so alone. However, I am alone...alone and so not having a life. I often feel life was wasted on me. I do not live every day to its fullest. I am lucky if I even change from one pair of pajamas into another on a daily basis. How can I get out of these ruts? I'm tired of so much. Tired of my bland life, tired of having a part time lover and a full time disease, I'm tired of waiting around all day just to have a 20 minute conversation with a long distance love. I'm tired of hurting both physically and mentally. I tried so many times to talk to professionals and find ways to help me cope. I was put on a regiment of medication to help my brain get back to some sort of happier place after a severe breakdown a year and a half ago. I'm just so tired of being a trapped POW in my own mind and body.

I just can not help but think there has to be more to my life and what am I even here for? It's really becoming hard to deal with. As I sit here and type, I can not even find the right words to clearly express how I am feeling about my stagnant life. It's truly debilitating in so many ways. I know others suffer like me, I just want someone to hold my hand, pick me up, and guide me to the right answer or path because I currently feel so isolated and lost and it makes me want to scream and cry at the same time.


2 comments:

  1. I get it. I feel for you. I hate that I am no longer the person I thought I was going to get to be. It sux on several different levels. But you and your life are destin for greatness. I enjoy reading your blog posts. They aren't sappy, but they are REAL. I appreciate that. Things change, in a blink of an eye it may all be different. ( yep, am kinda holding my breath for that one). But, from a stranger, keep up the good work. You are appreciated.

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  2. Thank you RobbieLynn for your support and advice. It means a lot to me that "strangers" take the time to read my thoughts. I hope we both do not have to hold our breath for too much longer because I'm starting to not be able to breathe much. You are appreciated too.

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