Well, that was short lived. My fiance is in school most of the day in another state. He wakes up early, I wake up late. He goes to bed early, and I got to bed late. I've been home trying to stabilize my RA these past couple of years and I have not been working because my father wants me to concentrate on health and school...plus he hated the fact I was a teacher. I know, who hates the thought of teachers? My Dad does. He says I was wasting my intellectual talents and not getting paid or great insurance. As my RA became worse, I started seeing what he was saying. After a while, I was fooling myself thinking I could preform the daily functions of a teacher in a high needs school. I know not being fully occupied does not help matters of sadness concerning the distance between my fiance but other issues are at the forefront.
I digress, the point is I am lucky if I am able to actually speak to my fiance for a few minutes on the phone in the morning before he goes to school and I am lucky (and I mean really damn lucky) to see him in the evening on the computer for a video chat session before his internet takes a dive. I try my best not to fixate on all of the negatives of a long distance relationship but on nights like these where I get hosed out of actual "viewing" time really makes me incredibly sad. I feel like a military fiance. I don't know how those women and men do it (both the military members and their loved ones). I always feel the distance affects me more than my fiance because he never dwells on sadness, where I do.
I was crushed after our internet disconnection this evening, well... I started choking back tears. I really really hate this. I never ever pictured myself in this type of situation. I never grasp how my fiance never seems to get sad, flustered, or crushed by this either. He says he does when I ask but I often question it in my mind.
Ugh, oh well...so much for that warm and fuzzy feeling I thought I was feeling earlier. I don't think I can really blame all of my feelings on prednisone side effects this evening. I think I can blame them on situational sadness and resentment. He's coming to be with me for my surgery in three weeks, then who knows when I'll see him, hold him, touch him, smell him, you know...the usual things normal couples do on a daily basis.
Whew, this is really rough and tough. This long distance relationship is becoming a heavy heart and heavy arms for me.