Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Well, There Went That Warm and Fuzzy Positivity

I know I have griped on my blog earlier about long distance relationships and how they are by no means easy. Plus, just a few short hours ago I was trying to say that I thought I was over the prednisone hurdle.

Well, that was short lived. My fiance is in school most of the day in another state. He wakes up early, I wake up late. He goes to bed early, and I got to bed late. I've been home trying to stabilize my RA these past couple of years and I have not been working because my father wants me to concentrate on health and school...plus he hated the fact I was a teacher. I know, who hates the thought of teachers? My Dad does. He says I was wasting my intellectual talents and not getting paid or great insurance. As my RA became worse, I started seeing what he was saying. After a while, I was fooling myself thinking I could preform the daily functions of a teacher in a high needs school. I know not being fully occupied does not help matters of sadness concerning the distance between my fiance but other issues are at the forefront.

I digress, the point is I am lucky if I am able to actually speak to my fiance for a few minutes on the phone in the morning before he goes to school and I am lucky (and I mean really damn lucky) to see him in the evening on the computer for a video chat session before his internet takes a dive. I try my best not to fixate on all of the negatives of a long distance relationship but on nights like these where I get hosed out of actual "viewing" time really makes me incredibly sad. I feel like a military fiance. I don't know how those women and men do it (both the military members and their loved ones). I always feel the distance affects me more than my fiance because he never dwells on sadness, where I do.

I was crushed after our internet disconnection this evening, well... I started choking back tears. I really really hate this.  I never ever pictured myself in this type of situation. I never grasp how my fiance never seems to get sad, flustered, or crushed by this either. He says he does when I ask but I often question it in my mind.

Ugh, oh well...so much for that warm and fuzzy feeling I thought I was feeling earlier. I don't think I can really blame all of my feelings on prednisone side effects this evening. I think I can blame them on situational sadness and resentment. He's coming to be with me for my surgery in three weeks, then who knows when I'll see him, hold him, touch him, smell him, you know...the usual things normal couples do on a daily basis.

Whew, this is really rough and tough. This long distance relationship is becoming a heavy heart and heavy arms for me.



2 comments:

  1. I am so impressed with your loyalty, love and resolve! Long distance relationships are NOT easy in any way, and you are managing despite your RA. Hang in there - you have gotten this far and I believe you can make it!

    RA has made me such a prisoner to my emotions on bad days. Plus, the medications and the constantly fluctuating prescriptions just make our bodies and emotions even more confused! You are totally allowed to have your sad days, and of course it's understandable. You miss your man! Remember, every day is one step closer to being able to see him again.

    Guys are so weird with their emotions. I bet he's missing you like crazy, but who knows how much he internalizes in an attempt to deal with it on his own. My boyfriend often has rough days at work and will absolutely not talk about it in an effort to keep some of his stress out of my life. It's sweet, but not great for a relationship built on communication!

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  2. Thank you very much for your insightful response to my blog post. I never have been in a long distance relationship before and I knew it would be tough, but not this tough! I guess we all hit bumps and ruts. I think I'm that RA situational rut where I mourn my formal self. You are so right in saying that RA makes us like a prisoner to emotions on bad days. I know you have had your struggles as well with school and absence. I am glad you have a boyfriend in your life that helps you (or at least thinks he's helping you ;)) with keeping things stress free. Men, gotta love'em!

    xoxo

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