Monday, June 25, 2012

Jesus Don't Want Me for a Sunbeam

My formative youth took place starting around 1992. I was the quintessential grunge girl. I wore all black, painted my nails with Chanel's uber awesome color, Vixen. I dyed my hair every possible coordination from Run Lola Run (awesome German movie) red to hot pink. My personal favorite combo? Jet black hair with hot pink bangs. It was totally killer. I was hurting then but had no clue why. Doctors would tell me it was growing pains. I saw many doctors and was tested for lupus and Lyme's disease often, never came up with answers.

Today, I was looking through my thousands of CD's that I hoarded in the 90's. I have to say, I really had kick ass taste in music. As a 33 year old, I am proud of my 14 year old self. Grunge girl who wore all types of docs with her kooky ensembles. However, looking back on my youth...I was in pain back then too. I just never seem to dwell on it.

I was thinking about all of this today because Rita has kicked my ass lately and I was dwelling today. I am close to three weeks past my infusion, my hand is killing me, and I had to go to the stupid blood lab today for my 6 week blood suck. I am so covered in bruises. The phlebotomist began to ask me if I felt safe at home. I looked at her not getting the connection until it dawned on bruises are that bad.

I went to that non-helpful dark place and asked the tricky question, "Why me God?" Was it all those dark angst filled days as a youth? Was it because I never really fully believed in you and questioned your motives often? Was it because I always had to buck the system and never follow the sheep? When I start with these questions, I know it will not end well. I had to mentally tell myself (more like yell) to stop and then I just tried to breathe and relax. I was kind of proud of myself for stopping. I have not accomplished that yet. I dwell on the health other have and wonder why I wasn't one of the lucky ones.

I know it does no good. I know.

So, tomorrow I luckily have an infusion. My stitches also get removed. Tomorrow will be another painful day but at least I know.I do not like the days where it comes out of nowhere. I kind of want warning.

On tomorrow's infusion play list?


Okay....fine. I liked HOLE a lot and I'm not apologizing!

Veruca Salt....oh how I adore angry chick rock.

I really could go on. I will stop and play a bit from Run Lola Run.


  1. Hi,
    Hope your stitches came out ok.
    I had to laugh I have pink hair now. Earlier this year I was realy ill and when I was a bit better went to the hairdressers and have gone a dark pink with a bright pink bit underneath one side. I tell you it made me feel better.
    So looking back and perhaps recapturing some of our youth either with music clothes or hair is a great pick me up.
    Hugs Lx

  2. Hey Lx,

    The hair color combo you are rocking sounds completely awesome and right up my alley! When ever I pass my go to "manic panic" colors at places like Sally Beauty Supply or Ulta, I do feel like going back to my days of youth and dipping my hair in a toilet full of bleach and apply my color of choice!

    My stitches removal was painful but hopefully I can heal faster. Thanks for your comment.

    Hugs back!

  3. Sooooo I'm pretty excited about this because despite the fact that my mother never let me do fun colored hair, this pretty much describes me too. And I love Kurt Cobain so much it's scary. Yay twinsiness!

    Also, yay for infusion! I'm glad that you are doing well!

  4. Thanks for the giggle! Twins power activate! =)

    It is liberating to dye your hair fun colors. It really is. Put it on your bucket list!

    Yes, a definite YAY for infusion. I hope it helps me. I hope you are well.

    Take Care! HUGS

  5. Ok, totally putting Run Lola Run on my netflix queue NOW, I love that movie so much. Time to see it again, thanks for that.
    I wish I still had my green docs!
    I'm sending healing wishes, for inside and out kind of pain...