Saturday, July 14, 2012

Let's Go Back To The Start

You know that song from Coldplay, The Scientist? I know the song is about a failing relationship and all but it really has always spoken to me. A couple of lines strike me in that song.

"No one said it would be easy. No one said it would be this hard." (Truer words could not ring true about struggles with chronic and systemic diseases.)

"Let's go back to the start." (How I wish I could go back to the age of 5 or so where pain didn't touch me.)

This song has spoken to my feelings about personal struggles with RA. All day yesterday, last night (woah last night) and all of today have been absolutely horrid in the chronic pain department. Last night was actual acute take me to the ER department pain. When my pain becomes that intense, I get panic attacks. I can somewhat deal with the pain yelling at me during the day but at night I just want to shut off and shut down. My mom was trying to comfort me the best she could and asked what she could get for me. My retort? "A shotgun." In a difficult part of my life a few years back, I almost ended it all and my retort upset my mom. I know I can go on 72 hour lock down for saying that but my pain just speaks for me. 

During my chronic pain that turned acute I decided to take a grainy self portrait in the middle of my anxiety ridden panic attack of me biting my lip, something I often do when the pain is unbearable. My cheeks were flushed from feverish frustration and tears were starting to well. I wanted to take this self portrait to chronicle the lowest depths of my battle with this damn disease. I want a reminder of what pain looks like on my face. My face says it all, it always has and always will. I'm not a good poker face. 

Back to the self-portrait, here it is.

This is the part where no one said it would be easy, but no one said it would be this hard.

Take me back to the start of painless innocence as seen here at the age of 5. Happy and carefree.

The science of progress hasn't seem to help my pain as much and I fear I will have to go see a pain management specialist soon before I get that shot gun again. 


  1. No words, just tears. Wordless wishing it could be better.

  2. Thanks Janine. I keep hoping for that silver lining. So far, not so much. I hope you are well.