My fiance was joking with me that two super storms were brewing, one storm made by prednisone and the second storm made of my the hormones of aunt flow. I think the super storm is knocking on my door as I type this.
I say this because something that was said to me tonight by my fiance almost brought me back to tears and luckily I choked them back because I hate nothing more than to cry in front of him on a computer screen on Skype. It was one of those Freudian slips, the type you know what was meant to be said and computed but the kind you quickly cover up and change a word or two to make the original stinging thought sound less horrid. He was telling me what a busy schedule he has for this weekend (and well, I don't because I am close to bed ridden with my inflamed nerves and barely staying in place hip/pelvic area). I am happy he has things going on for him, but that does not negate the fact that I am jealous of his social calendar of school, social gatherings, and family trips. Quite frankly, I want to be a part of all that. Without him thinking he stated, "When you are a part of my life we will be doing these things." He then realized immediately how that sounded and tried changing it to the fact that I am in his life. However, the truthful Freudian slip was the actual thought and sentiment that was meant to be. I am not in his life. I may be in passing thoughts but that's about it. It hurt. I know he did not mean it intentionally, it's just Freudian slips can be so damn biting. Once words are out there, they are hard to forget. So that will be ringing in my ear and making a nice little groove in my brain and heart tonight.
He hates when I say he deserves better. He does, I'm too negative and I am not at that acceptance stage in my disease like he is. I'm still grieving and angry. So much so, I told him since we have no money and are unable to throw a wedding at this time, I refuse to be 40 and in a wheelchair getting married. I told him I'd dump him before having to stick him with that beast of burden. He then asked me if I'd dump him if he was in a wheelchair. I never would do that. I just have a horrible issue with my own pride. I know it gets in my way from living a "proper and full" life, but I am a stubborn bitch. Hell, at least I know that.
Does anyone else feel they are self-sabatogers once their diagnosis of RA settled in? I noticed I am starting to teeter on self-sabatoge with my fiance. I'm starting to pick on things that have no relevance in all honesty just so he opens his eyes and realize there are better people out there for him. While in NYC, I was really starting to come to the conclusion that I was subconsciously keeping him at arms length. However, I don't know why. I'd like to understand why. I know the pain is wearing me down and it is to the very rawest of nerves and that can make me touchy. It's hard to have an open and pure heart when pain takes up 99% of your life. I know some of you can totally agree. Most couples at my age come with baggage in the forms of ex husbands/wives and children. I come with Rita and a damaged brain. Any intelligent person would take the baggages of exes and kids. My baggage is so damn complicated and I do not even fully understand it yet.
What's a girl to do?