Friday, September 7, 2012

No Whammies.....No Whammies....

Let me first commence this post with the meaning of the title. Remember that awesome game show from the 80's, Press Your Luck? The Whammies that would come strolling across the bottom of the screen as that life altering whomp whomp sound blared and your lucky cash flow was robbed from you? I hit the jackpot of whammies both yesterday and today. 

Earlier this week I had an echocardiogram for my heart due to persistent shortness of breath, odd fluttering in my heart that lasts for only a few seconds because my body corrects it by coughing, ridiculously high and persistent CRP (inflammation markers), and a rapid resting heartbeat. So, I sucked it up for another new test and yesterday evening at 5:30 my doctor's nurse calls. My echo showed concentric left ventricular hypertrophy. Rather moderate to severe. WHAMMIE!

I sat there shocked and stunned and quite frankly, peeved. Peeved that something else is wrong with me. Peeved that I am so genetically fucked up. Peeved that I had an important consultation with UNC Fertility the very next day. Peeved that I had to add that to the thickest patient file on the planet. Now what? I have to see a cardiologist. My friend is a cardiologist with Duke, no now with UNC. I asked my doctor if this was RA related. Yup! Ol'Rita finally did it, she managed to give me heart disease. Those of you who don't know (not my subscribers because they are up with the lingo and hurdles), Rheumatoid Arthritis is SYSTEMIC meaning it not only attacks my joints, tendons, ligaments what have you it attacks organs, especially lungs and heart. When people pass from RA, it is usually because their lungs or heart were so riddled with the disease. So please, don't think we die from pain and joint damage.

My fertility appointment today was another Whammie. I knew going in (especially after last night's heart disease development) that I would not be the healthiest contender. I was pretty much told that I was genetically undesirable and any pregnancy would be too high risk to a carried baby and too high risk for me due to pretty shitty management of my disease. Now, add the heart dice baby! WHAMMIE!

I guess my heart made the choice for my womb. I will not have to detox any of my meds and I will start Rituxan on the 20th as scheduled. I have to see when I see the cardiologist. I gather that will be soon. I still see DUKE Rheumatology Monday to see what their advice/opinion is. I'm hoping for no whammies! We'll see. I am a bit shellshocked as I type this. I feel like I seriously failed my fiance and he totally did not pick a winner with me. I know it does not matter to him one bit, but I can't help but feel like a failure. A lot of stuff is just not meant for me in this lifetime.

1 comment:

  1. Aw honey, I'm sorry :( Maybe this can be a gift though. Sometimes having outside forces make tough decisions for us can relieve a lot of stress and help to improve our relationships with each other. *hugs*