I do this to myself but I think my fiance helps with my neurosis, which isn't hard to do for a head case like me. See, I feel both of us should be open with our past experiences prior to our relationship. Yet, my fiance feels that what happened in the past needs to stay in the past and that it has no bearing on our current relationship. An impasse.
Since he has this staunch viewpoint and will not talk to me about something I find important, I get annoyed and then I turn obsessive thinking of his women of the past and then I start painting more wild and colorful stories that probably don't even exist. However, I blame my fiance for doing this to my brain and psyche. See, what it simply boils down to is the fact that I have an inferiority complex about sexual relationships. I feel that my disease(s) has taken a lot away from me and I constantly wonder if I simply measure up to his past consequences. I don't want him to feel trapped with me if he feels there is better out there. Chronic illness and mental illness combined can really fuck with your mind and psyche.
Me being me Googled the situation I was in and there is an actual forum for people like myself who suffer with retroactive jealousy concerning a partner's past. Who knew? I guess there is a forum for almost anything and everything. I don't want to possess retroactive jealousy but I feel I will continue with this until I get the details I want. I have always been a sleuth, detective, spy, and snoop but I feel if I just knew the truth it would lay things to rest. However, my fiance doesn't see it the same way. He sees me just bringing it up over and over. I am guilty of that but only for the simple reason that he won't share anything about his past with me. I do it out of teasing and out of spite. I don't feel I should just have to go with his tight lipped way. I feel there should be a compromise in this matter. I am giving him the rest of my life, I feel I at least deserve to know what his life was like before me. Others on various sites disagreed with my thought process. I just think they are too chicken shit to fight for their right of knowledge. I am an Aries through in through. I will butt heads until it leaves me bloodied and alone. It has always been like that.
I hate impasses and I hate when I feel a compromise should be in play, and there is no compromise. Do other people feel the way I feel about this subject? Or is this the time to tell me that I am overreacting and that I should just get over my retroactive jealousy syndrome? I try but it is hard for an obsessive thinker to do. Like I said in another post, Cognitive Behavior training did not work for me. It did not break me out of my neurotic and obsessive thinking pattern of all type of things.
I have suffered what I would consider brain fog all day. I don't know if RA causes brain fog or Lupus causes brain fog, but I am under a thick blanket of that shit and it is hard to see the forest through the trees on days like this. Plus, I think depression is starting to settle back in despite my best effort to shoo it away. Can I blame that on brain fog too? I know these last few weeks I have had blow after blow.
1st- Being told I had no chance in hell to get get pregnant, carry a full term baby, and still have my life in tact.
2nd- Ist round of Rituxan (kicked my ass)
3rd-Getting a letter and a phone call from the fertility specialist adding more salt to my wounds by stating I have no ovarian reserve to even get pregnant (despite them telling me I couldn't). Now, this was just cruel.
4th-2nd round of Rituxan that kicked my ass, lead to a blood clot and a vein infection.
5th-Seeing my fiance yet really not being able to be around him like I wanted to. Then having to deal with the high of anticipation of seeing him and being with him, then having to deal with the unbelievable low of not being with him again. It really hurts.
6th-Going to my foot doctor to be told that both my big left toe and left subtalar ankle joint have went down hill so quickly since last February that I need surgery for both....and soon.
Blow after blow after blow. I sucked and still feel that I continue to suck at resiliency but I guess this is my lesson in life I have to learn, to be resilient. I am fighting tooth an nail and all I am doing is wasting the little bit of energy I have to concentrate on mundane things like bills and school.
I hope this retroactive jealousy goes away. Even when I am occupied with school work and doctor's appointments, I am such a thinker that I can think about 5 things at once, and one of those things that keep popping back up is retroactive jealousy. I'm a weirdo, I know. However, I know I am not alone in my thoughts of insecurity. It's just others won't openly admit it in a public forum. At least I have the balls.