Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Crude Prude asks "Is He With the Right Mate?'

I'm going all Carrie Bradshaw on this post a la Sex and the City.

Can a girl be a crude prude and is my fiance with the right mate? (insert cigarette smoking while typing on MAC gazing out the window to see...well see woods instead of the NYC landscape).

I'm infamous for reading too much, analyzing too much, and over analyzing too much.

Yesterday as stated was NOT A GOOD DAY. The day (despite my best efforts spilled into today). I tried to complete leisure reading today instead of school work. I like to read COMSO but I also love to read Psychology Today. This is an example of the many dichotomies that make-up, well

I often wonder two essential questions since I have been engaged. First, is my fiance with the right mate? Second, am I with the right mate?

Psychology Today was reading my mind because they had a large article today about the exact subject.

The article was essentially about maladaptive behaviors...all the ones I possess in all honesty. The article was telling me everyone questions this but it is how you deal with it that matters. The article was interesting but it made me further realize the differences my fiance and I face. We are complete opposites in every sense. He's quiet....I'M LOUD (as I was told this evening was a pet peeve of my fiance concerning me). He loves sports.....I HATE SPORTS. I love art and cinema....HE HATES IT. He's a dude....and I'M A CRUDE PRUDE.

I'm not allowed to go into detail how I grossed out my fiance this evening. I asked for permission and was denied. However, as I was done grossing him out and painting a visual, he laid back and stated, "You just disgust me sometimes!". I laughed at myself (per usual) but I think I really struck another pet peeve in the bubbling pet peeve well. I have to admit I am so prudish in a lot of ways but God do I have a crude mouth and thought process. I think it struck my fiance that his fiancee can be nasty. Yet, he tells nasty jokes and receives nasty jokes all day and just passes it off as dudes being dudes. Why can't I be a crude prude? I thought sick female behavior was all the rage now? Hello, Bridesmaids anyone?

I mean it by the same creators as Superbad....all dudes loved Superbad. I thought it was contrite. I bust out original shit. My crudeness is like free flow rap in rap battles.

Why couldn't my fiance handle it? I really often think (I'm sure this will peeve him off too. Hey I go big before I go home) he is with the wrong girl. I don't know how I am for him. I rarely think I am for anyone. I know I am hard to like, love, get along with, console, soothe, get through, teach, make points, and get sarcastic with/to. I get it. I know my flaws and I have been trying to fix them for the last year and a half. I have come a long way with therapy and Cognitive Behavior Training (CBT). However, as hard as I try to change somethings about me, somethings I can't. One day, my fiance will wake-up and tell me he was wrong and choose someone else more suiting. I realized tonight that I tried showing my dude "aka crude prude" side tonight and on my WV adventure just to try and fool myself into thinking we could be more alike and that way I feel we could work. See, other fiances (for the most part) live with or near by one another. It's real hard to work on a long distance relationship. Nerves get raw, pet peeves apparently come out and chap asses (one or two asses depending on your genetic make-up...long inside joke on this one), and words become like bombs. People say, well that sounds like an ordinary relationship.

Well kids, this here lies the problem. Usually a hug, snuggle session, and a kiss can make up for any resentments. You don't have that in a long distance relationship. You go to bed hurt, mad, sad, and alone. One another can't take away the sting of what just took place. Without that physical contact after exchange of can go to bed stewing. I found out this problem lately. I finally put words to my feelings. That is hard for me to do sometimes.

I need to change a lot of my ways, but what I took away from this article that started this blog catharsis is that both parties in a relationship need to change. You just have to hope that both parties change in order to grow together, not apart.

Will I ever make it to that almighty marriage license? I hope so. It's hard to gauge when we aren't living together. Tomorrow was supposed to be move-in day. I should be happy and giddy to start that new chapter with my fiance tomorrow. I think I have a lot of sadness about that too. I might have to treat myself to a lady day in order to take my mind off that. I think I may have been secretly upset about that too. I realized that today as I was lying in bed combatting Rita flaring up after yesterday's horrible physical test. I just want to not grow apart, I've been working on fixing the divide.

My Uncle called it love in progress and to place up construction signs. That wasn't a bright look for an already Debbie Downer.

Ughhhhhh, my brain should have kicked in by now. Will we make it? All I can say is I hope, and I will try and be less disgusting, crude, and loud. I'll just try and be a girl....No Doubt style.

I will try and be more of a lady so I can be the right mate. One that does not peeve or embarrass my fiance.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Pain Speaks. Pass some Alanis over please.

Man, I had a doozy of a hard physical test today. One that lasted for 4 hours non-stop. It felt more like 4 years. I am no wussy by any means but I told the physical therapist that I wanted to cry. She laughed and said she has seen grown men cry during this test. At the end, my poor knee was SCREAMING in agony and other joints that were not even hurting at the beginning were yelling "hey lady, what the hell did you do that for?!?!". My ankle that was doing better after that shot I had a couple of weeks ago? Well, that is swollen again. I see braces in my future tonight along with bio-med and some sort of ice packs and pain relief. The test bummed me out. It was just yet another smack in my face of how I am unable to do many things I think a normal young 30 something could do.

When I got home, I have to say my nerves were raw and the pain was taking over my brain and personality. It's amazing how pain takes over and makes you someone you don't want to be. Add that to minimal sleep last night, well let's just say I should go to bed early and not speak to anyone. I don't have the energy to fight my misanthropic ways and pain just want's to talk for me in forked tongue and a devil voice. I wonder if exorcist patients have pain? Huh.

Not a soul knows how to console me when I'm in pain. I stopped bothering looking for pain acceptance. I just want to shuffle to my shell and stay in there for a few days until the processing is completed. Pain works on my brain and my thought process as well.

I don't want pain to settle in and become the normal. I fight it everyday but I read on other RA blogs and follow other RA patients, they found comfort in accepting the pain and making room for it. I have a hard time with that. I, for the most part, accepted getting genetically shafted and for the most part accepted that my life will never be what it once was, or be what it should be....but pain is a hard jagged little pill to swallow. Yes. I like Alanis Morissette.

Let's see how many references to her songs and my RA I can's the pain talking....

My RA was Uninvited....1

My RA makes me CRAZY today (does this count? This stupid song was done by SEAL.).

My RA can be IRONIC at times (even though this song is not technically about irony....just bad luck, hey my RA is bad luck!).

My RA does make me KEEP ONE HAND IN MY POCKET when swollen and I want to hide my ugly deformed sausage fingers...

My RA has made me LEARN....damn you Rita.

My RA could technically get me a never ending legal prescriptions for MARY JANE....

I sarcastically THANK (you) my RA on a daily basis....

I should OUGHTA KNOW what my RA does to me and accept it...

One day ALL I REALLY WANT is RA and all auto-immune diseases to have a cure...

One day I would like to put my FEET ABOVE MY HEAD instead of HEAD OVER FEET. I miss my dexterity and limber ways.

Wow, I did 10 comparisons. My pain is on a roll tonight.

One more I could not resist. no, NOT THE DOCTOR...again.....

Monday, February 27, 2012

The Cyclical Fashion of Cancer

One book ends and another one begins. I heart cycles. First it was my Aunt two years ago who battled and survived cervical cancer, this past year it was my 23 year old cousin's time to battle and survive Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and now it may or may not be my mom's time to fight breast cancer. Today she had surgery for a more than average breast biopsy. I have been going through the process with her. Pathology for this type of cancer takes a couple of days and unfortunately we left the hospital without a diagnosis. I did however tease my mom for a couple of weeks now with that God awful Black Eyed Peas song "My Humps"...I scream the part "my loooooovely lady lumpssssss....check'emmmmm ouuuuut!" She absolutely hates the song. It has been growing on me.

I just wonder when my family (me included) will catch a freaking break?!?!?! I mean we have a piss poor gene pool but at least our fibers are made from the cloths of kicking, screaming, fighting, and surviving. I know we do that damn well, I just wish we didn't have to.

However, on a way lighter note my young cousin just BEAT (kicked its' ass is more like it) her cancer. She is now cancer free and made the most wonderful video for Ellen's Dance Dare portion of her shows. The video is wonderful and she has the best moves I have ever seen. Yes, take that professional dancers of all areas!

Please watch this video and pass it along. I would love love love to see her on Ellen's show and and for her to meet her dream man from the Office. The one who is married to Emily Blunt. I can't spell his name. John Kracsinski...?

WAY TO GO COUSIN KATIE! You really truly rock!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Power of Pharmacology

I started my new wonder drug this week, as I promised my family and doctor. There is a three week loading dose that kind of put me on my ass yesterday. Apparently my already fair (pale) skin looked even more white as did my lips and tongue. I have no problem popping a medication to help my disease...however, I have a problem popping these meds and getting side effects I was not even experiencing in the first place (like nausea, metallic taste on my tongue constantly, and more fatigue then I already started with).

I have been given so many various wonder drugs. They all go to die in my drawer. I have wonder drugs in the kitchen too. I often think someone who ever robbed me, would think I sell these drugs on the black market or something but who the hell wants pills that 80 plus year olds take? Who wants the wrist guards, elbow braces, knee braces, compression stalkings, ankle braces, and anti-inflammatory drugs? They hit the wrong house here because with autoimmune disease comes severe allergies to medications. They can steal my epi pen.

I look like a drug addict but I swear to you that I am not. These are just some of the drugs given to me to help my Rheumatoid Arthritis, not cure it.

It's a depressing drawer if you ask me (and this is only a portion of it).

I suck on a lot of Vitamin C because I always fear the killer colds are the thing that will off me since I do not have an immune system thanks to my above drugs and infusions.

I go on Facebook to check out various sites on Arthritis. I came across this one eloquent youtube video of a kid who is going through the same shit I am but at a much younger age. I am rarely moved, but this kid moved me tonight. He put together a wonderful explanation of his struggles and triumphs while suffering systemic arthritis. I know many people do not understand the word systemic but it means (1) of relating to, or common to a system as affecting the body generally. That means it's just not my joints, it's my actual organs too.

Please watch this video. He is one brave guy and I wish I had some of his courage each and every day.

Amazing the battles a lot of us secretly fight everyday. Some of us try and hide battles and put on brave faces for the public and in part as a self-defense mechanism because we know we do not have the actual strength and prowess to physically fight back. Please keep that in mind as you pass strangers. I try and do it at least once a day.

Friday, February 24, 2012

(West) Virginia is for Lovers

I am sorry I have been absent. I do not think I have much fanfare on here anyhow but after video chatting with my fiance (oh my how much better that sounds than boyfriend) told me he keeps checking on here for updates. I told him, I share everything with you anyhow. Haha.

I got back from West Virginia this week. I spent my 1st official Valentine's Day with my love (as an engaged couple). I had a wonderful time and was so so so so happy to see Ol'WW. When I go to WV, I forget about my worries and cares for the most part. It's nice. Although, Rita (my stinkin' RA) was cutting up a bit. She gets angry and bitchy the last week before infusion time. I tried to not listen to her though and enjoy my short time with the love of my life.

Ol'WW did Valentine's up right! Ladies would be jealous. I received 4 cards, a box of Whitman's chocolates (because Russell Stover's blows the big one), a beautiful hand crafted jewelry pottery heart with the word "love" (which we call one another) and a picture of a cat! HELLO TWOFERS! I put my engagement ring in it at night. Here is a picture. He even went on Etsy to get it. A dude on Etsy....heeheee.

Then I got a beautiful red hand knitted ear warmer from Estonia of all places. My mom is eyeing it and I had to hide it, so it does not go missing. I also got this little dog when you push it it says "I WOOF YOU!" It's an inside joke but it is placed in my vehicle for rough days....I have a reminder that I am woofed a lot.

I was treated to chocolate chip and peanut butter chip pancakes everyday, but on Valentine's day I was teated to heart shaped ones and cat shaped ones.

They were sooooooo yummy and sweet.

We went and saw The Vow. I liked it and Ol'WW's comment was: "I had a nice time with you sweetheart." after being asked what he thought of the movie baaahaaaa!

I said to him at least it had his eye candy GF Rachel McAdams in it! Then I thought we were going to a Chinese Buffet because I lost on a love lottery card I gave him, but he surprised me and we had hibachi Japanese. I had a truly lovely day with my fiance.

Now, that was the only damn girly day I had. My fiance is a dude, hangs with dudes, and lives with dudes. I was a stinking dude for a whole week! Me, living in a frat house? Oh mylanta. There were some days I could barely make it through ahahaha.

One night was wings night with his dude friend. Listening to two dudes talk about what wing selections they were having during a 20 minute car ride just made me wonder. they have brains? Hahaha

A picture of dude night with drinks and wings...hell no I didn't chomp on a wing.

So effin gross if you ask me.

Then one day I tried sneaking out of the house while Ol'WW took a nap.....want to know what he looks like during a nap? Well, here you go fans. You can thank me later ;)

So, as I tried escaping, I kind of got stuck in the mud. West Virginia is so damn muddy. I swear. It is the muddiest state I have ever been too. My tires got stuck and I had to be helped out by Ol'WW and his brother. Then my poor automobile looked like it went off roading but really I was just trying to drive. 

I still have mud caked on and need to get that off ASAP. 

One day we went to a diner he wanted to try. We pull up and it looks like any ol'NYC diner to me. We go in and i think to myself, "wow, this is upscale"....we sit down and Ol'WW says out loud..."THIS PLACE IS A DUMP!" I told him he hadn't seen a dumpy diner yet ahahahaha. I took an artsy fartsy picture of the interior.

We went to a winery and distillery too. My pops has been itching and itching for some hooch aka white lightening aka moonshine from WV. WV has had some crackdowns on the real shit that will make you go blind so I settled on two different legal moonshines for him. He was happy. The winery was cool and artistic. It's called Heston Farms.

All and all it was a GREAT time. Of course the moment I met him I already was sad knowing I had to leave him. My heart hurts as it is from my RA but I truly believe hearts ache from longing and love too.

I love you Ol'WW. I miss you dearly and miss laughing at us and you...and myself all of the time. I also miss the WV spirit and attitude that is featured on my new favorite documentary called The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia about the dancing outlaw family from WV.

Check out the trailer and my favorite song EVER!

So freaking hysterical. I hear the mating call of Boone County all the way down here! Hahahahaha

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Audrey is trying to communicate with me from the great beyond...?

Last week I was in a bistro near my Rheumatologist. It is an interesting bistro that is owned by an old Egyptian couple. I think the old man has a fascination with Audrey Hepburn. I was sitting under a piece of art starring Audrey. She never intrigued me and I never cared for her movies or look. I just found the cat in the art cute. I took a picture then manipulated it and made it super pink.

Then, as I was reading Glamour magazine today, I came across this quote from Ms. Hepburn.

Is it just me or is that odd? I never pay attention to much and now I noticed Audrey twice in one week? I don't know if I am supposed to take away any of her beliefs and apply it to my belief system, but we don't share much in common...except for the love of bangs and capri pants.

I liked that GAP add a long time ago with Audrey being manipulated to dance to Back in Black. Now that's more me.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

I'm singing that Paula Cole's one hit wonder song as I type this. Where have all the cowboys gone for real? Tonight in the dark, a young girl got a flat tire and pulled in outside of my house. I noticed looking out the window she was on the phone, so I figured someone was coming to get her. 5 minutes go by and then I see her starting to attempt the tire removal on her own in pitch blackness. I came out and gave her a flashlight and we started to jack the car up, take the lug nuts and wheel off, and put the donut on and lug nuts and unjack the car. 5, count them FIVE men passed by in their cars and did not even attempt to ask two girls in the dark if they needed help. I was simply amazed. I'm all for women's lib and sisters doing it for themselves but are there any real men left? Any kind hearted souls willing to help? Damn. This is a sad state of affairs we're living in. The girl gave me a big hug and started to cry. I felt badly for her and I hope she makes it home on that donut.

I did my good deed for the day. Pick up your game men. Either you don't know how to change a tire, or you guys are just too self-centered to help? I'm glad I have a good man that would try and help.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

My Sketchbook is Here!

My sketchbook came to me yesterday. I think I may have had visions of one hell of a grand sketchbook. I opened up the envelope to find this.

Ummmm, I can't be confined to a bland recycled carbon foot print friendly sketchbook. I don't do brown. Never have, never will. There are so many rules and stipulations the art show is already placing on me. That bums me out man. So, what did I do? I had to change the cover to be chaotic like me, chaotic and colorful.

I had to go bananas. Now I feel like I can create my masterpieces on nothing more than computer paper stapled together. How, will I pull this off? I think I need to create my work like a 3rd grader.....CRAYOLA style. Crayons and glitter pens.

I think I will try my best, but leave this project for other artists.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Eff You Ms. Michigan-Okay I'm a RA Player Hater

I will be glowing in the dark tonight. Just like that French artist that injected radioactive dye into rabbits to have them glow. They were in a sense installation pieces. I'm glowing in the dark from all of the radioactivity I received today. I had two hip X-rays. I think it is just plain erosion, my doctor thinks it is avascular necrosis. Time will tell. Then I went to Dr. Dork. I heart me some Dr. Dork, he is a foot and ankle specialist. He can't be much older than me. He is the nicest guy on the planet and so smart, yet he is the biggest dork. Hence, Dr. Dork.

I had to see him because of persistent ankle swelling and pain. It turns out it was not my ankle but some subsomethingorotherlatin joint located near the ankle. I had three X-rays for my ankle. 5 total in a matter of an hour for two different joints. The beauty of Dr. Dork? He reads his own X-rays immediately. RA settled in some obscure joint and my inflammation markers made my ankle into a cankle. It's amazing my fiance loves me, cankles and all. I shake my head a lot on that. He could have scored himself a functioning babe. 

Dr. Dork shot a nice and gnarly cortisone shot right into the joint to unlock it and informed me that the swelling will persist but gave me some alternatives to try if the shot does not work. Let's hope the shot works. While waiting, he had Arthritis Today magazine out there. Now, on facebook I have often bitched and complained about this lame magazine geared towards the 60+ crowd and their lame regular arthritis and osteoarthritis. I've become an arthritis snob. It's really sad haha. 

This had a cover of Ms. Michigan. She was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis. Which in all honesty is not an auto-immune disease that attacks organs like mine does in addition to joints, she just has bum joints. Now, I should be sympathetic to her plight. I am, but I really really really can't stand how people are able to turn negatives into a positive. That is not how science typically works. Was I supposed to be enlightened by her words of encouragement? I kind of just want to wipe my ass with words of encouragement. Yeah, you read that correctly. 

Her words of encouragement did not assist me with an uplifting positive outlook. Carl Jung would be proud of me as would Freud. 


My doctor just avascular necrosis, just erosion. Oddly enough that is good news for me, but would be bad news for a normal healthy person. I'll take the good news. Hahaha.

BACK to my story...

Uplifting stories don't help me. I'm not that type of chick. Never have been, never will be. I think I was mentally built a different way. I must have a different concoction of chemicals than others. I will have to confer with Phrenology Phil.

Barfy uplifting pictures...

If you love me, why thank you. If you hate me, well eff you. That is what I was rapping in my head while typing this blog entry. 

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Sketchy Sketches

For those of you who don't know, I was an Art History/Fine Art Major in college. Now, I never considered myself the quintessential artiste. I thought my other friends were. I dabbled. I was a dabbler. Am I the best? No way in hell. Only people who are not creative find me to be the best. I'll take the compliment. Hahaha.

I received an e-mail a week or two ago about a sketchbook project in Brooklyn. The aim is to get 5,000 artists to submit sketchbooks and the art show is made up of 5,000 individual and unique sketchbooks. Not one will be like the other. Just like fingerprints. Artistic vision and execution is a singular approach and not one other soul will execute the artistic process the same way.

I was asked to join this sketchbook art show. The opening is in June at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. My sketchbook must be completed and stamped by April 30th. I have yet to receive the sketchbook, but I have ideas floating around. I know what my central theme will be. It's a theme I carry with my everyday. It's a theme others need to learn about and understand. I am dedicating my art work to two artists in particular. Auguste Renoir and Edith Piaf. Renoir a visual painter master and Piaf the songbird of Paris. They both suffered from severe, and I mean severe Rheumatoid Arthritis. I always admired them before my diagnosis, but to know I share artistic vision and RA with two greats, well that gives me inspiration. I am looking forward to this cathartic process. Just like my blog is a verbal expression, my sketchbook will be a visual expression. Once I get started, I will update once in a while to let my readers (if I have any) how the process is going.

Please take a minute to see what Renoir's Rheumatism did to him at the end of his life. His RA did not take away his ability to paint. Instead, they created a device for his mangled RA eaten hands to hold a paintbrush and he continued some of his masterpieces.

Renoir's hands...

Paintings by those great hands and mind...

Then the songbird, Edith Piaf

Here is a real clip of her singing

You can see how her Rheumatoid Arthritis severely mangled her hands, so much so they were just fists because they were so atrophied with disease.

Then, a couple years back, Marion Cotillard portrayed Edith Piaf and her struggles with the disease in the French movie, "La Vie En Rose". The movie showed how she was addicted to heavy duty narcotics just to deal with the pain and disability of Rheumatism (now aptly named Rheumatoid Arthritis). The movie was wonderful and moving. Marion won an Oscar for that role.

Here is the trailer of the movie: I might add that it chronicled her disease in a realistic fashion (even if they don't show that in the trailer).

The ending scene showing what the disease of RA did to a gifted woman.

I hope to make my sketchbook in the honor of these two greats.....well, something they would be proud of in modern times. Same disease, different era. 

Here is my little box of sketching materials. Will it make an overall masterpiece? Only time will tell.

To look at the art project page, please go here.