Friday, March 30, 2012

We're Losers at Feeeshing

I apologize to my whole whopping 5 fans that I have not posted lately. I have been in the Wild and Wonderful West Virginia visiting with Ol'WW. This trip has also been noted (in my mind) the fishing trip from HELL! We decided that fishing (pronounced as feeeshin' by some WV members) was going to be our mutual couple hobby. Ol'WW started getting poles and a tackle box together before I came. I used to have a lucky purple fishing pole when I lived in Florida (the state where I actually caught fish). When I moved, I thought the pole moved with me. Not so true.

So I decided I needed a new pole, a new pole that had pizazz, one that spoke to me and my colorful personality. My pops and I searched for poles and then I found her. She was the right color combination and she had lights on the reel! How could you beat a pink and purple pole with lights? My Dad got the biggest kick out of it. We practiced casting in the backyard just so I wasn't rusty. Then I was off to go fishing!

I came to WV and refused to reveal my rod to my fiance and his family. We did some shopping together and I decided that fishing is one expensive hobby! WW bought me a pink and purple tackle box (unbeknownst to him it matched my pole perfectly!). I bought pretty bait in the power bait form and the lure form. I was sure the fish would appreciate my attention to detail and beauty. We were stoked!

The first fishing hole was two hours away called Blackwater. I was getting super excited. We get there set up and sat there ALL day and NO bites! I snagged so much lost many hooks, bait, and a lure. Then we headed to a hole further up. That is when the unthinkable happened. The wind knocked down my well organized OCD approved tackle box and EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING dumped out into the grass. My fiance saw it happen. He felt awful, I turned around in slow motion and yelled as loud as I could, "Noooooooooooooo (and some curse words)!" I know the fish fled then. I sat there stunned and tried to re-organize my box. Ol'WW knew I needed to be left alone. Hahahaaa.

We tried and tried. Absolutely nothing. It was a defeating day and I wanted to give up. I'm a self-proclaimed pissamist and my fiance is Don freaking Quixote chasing windmills in hopes of eternal optimism. it really pisses me off, especially on a 2 hour drive back fishless and no great fish stories to tell. All I did was catch a tree....a couple of times. He swore that the next day at a lake was snag proof and he had a great feeling about catching fish there.

Blackwater Fishing Hole (blow hole is more like it)!

Day 2: Teeter Lake

We were optimistic for fishing. It was a lake supposedly snag free full of stupid elusive trout. Hopes were high. Well perhaps his hopes were high, mine were at a medium level.

Sitting there to the left of us was a guy catching them quickly and to the right a man catching a fish every hour. Us in the middle? Not a damn bite! Sat there forever. Nadda, nothing, zippo, squat, nill, zero...I was fuming mad. Ol'WW kept the faith up. Me? Not so effin much. We sat there until the sun was almost set. Nothing. I was so defeated and truly wanted to give up. Nope, Ol'WW wouldn't let me.
The best line of the day? Man to the right: "I haven't had a bite for an hour (as he reels his fish in)." Ol'WW: "Try not having an effin bite for 2 days!". Now that was the fiance I wanted! Ahahahahaha. I went home hungry, tired, hurting, and cold.

Day 3: Fishing at the Pottery in town.

Another day of a shit loads of snags and no bites. I was miffed as hell and was quitting! I didn't even bother taking pics of this joint.

Day 4: I'M NOT FISHING...just sleeping in and being lazy

Rita is acting up and I was all swollen. I hurt and I am so so so very very tired. I think we might try one last tome tomorrow and after that? Well, the trout of this state can kiss my ass! I will stick to bass fishing.

On a happier and fishless note, I am working on my submission for the "Show Us Your Hands" book that I was accepted into. Apparently I was asked to join because of my fiance! Ahahahaha! We went back to our engagement spot and took some pictures of our hands. That was a nice afternoon.

I took a picture of driftwood at the falls. This is probably the type of shit we were snagging on everywhere we went.

Has anyone noticed no photos of any fish? Ahahahaha. Ugh, so frustrating!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The New Poster Girl for RA?

...haha not really but I am happy that I was chosen to be part of a long overdue movement of awareness of inflammatory arthritis. What I have ain't yo momma's arthritis. Show Us Your Hands has been an awesome movement that displays pictures of hands that suffer from various inflammatory arthritic diseases. Yes, what I have is a disease not a condition. I find a big difference in those two words. I'm a down right stickler on that in all honesty.

I am sure many people submitted their stories for this project and not everyone was accepted for the first book, but I am sure that this book will open the eyes of not only the medical community, but it will open the eyes of the unsympathetic human community as well. I hope this book and all of the stories give people knowledge about the auto-immune diseases we suffer with. I am happy to be part of the movement. I am by no means any poster child for Rheumatoid Arthritis. I curse, I'm crude, I don't take all of my medicines as exactly as prescribed, and as my infusion nurse stated to me today for my infusion, "here come trouble!". She said that quasi jokingly ahaha. My Rheumy and the office like me there. They think I'm spunky. I just think it is because I am young and a breath of fresh air. People can get nasty in there and I know it is there pain talking, just like my pain Penelope talks for me. It is not necessarily me talking, just my evil twin sister Penelope the literal pain.

I am a bit excited to know what type of questions there are to answer and what types of photos the book needs. I want to go artistic. I am lucky that my hands are just moderately affected and not severely like other victims of this disease. They are swollen, stiff, and have two cool nodules on them. I have unusually tight tendons and I know typing and art work do not help them. I will keep you posted on this new venture and process.

All day I was singing this song in my head about hands. An old Thompson Twins song that cracks me up every time I hear it.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Hoo-Ha Hell

I have become an absolute pro at waiting in doctor's offices. I think waiting for these shmucks should be a full time job that I, I GET PAID FOR! Not them. So, I had to go in search of the eternal answer to on Arava. Now, for those of you that do not know, Arava is a RA drug that is supposed to help do something (what, I don't quite really know because so far it isn't doing jack all) yet it really could screw up a fetus if the pregnancy is unexpected. Both men and women on this drug have to do what I did, sign your life away saying you will not get pregnant or knock someone up while on this drug. I also had to watch a malformed baby video. That kind of ruined my day.

I had to unfortunately go to the hoo-ha doctor today to discuss my "options". I use the word options loosely because I came out learning that I will have to perfectly plan a pregnancy (if I ever get my shit together) and I can only remain on the pill. IUD's will be rejected by my auto-immune ridden body and the Depo shot apparently causes bone loss. I say add bone loss to joint loss, what the hell? I was surrounded by pregnant women in the waiting room and this big girl comes in and walks by everyone and loudly states, "I hate pregnant women!". Some pregnant woman yelled back, "I hate fat asses!" without skipping a beat. I blamed in on her hormones and the other girl's bitterness. I love bitchy women.

As I was sitting there in the exam room in that God awful paper gown with that God awful paper sheet, I heard this woman in the exam room next to me screaming in agony, carrying on in all honesty like a fool. I was sitting there already miffed I did not have many options because of my drugs for RA then to hear this woman carrying on, well it added to a stressful time. Then the doctor came in and told me I was the best patient of the day. She noted I must have a high tolerance to pain. No shit doc. No shit.

God, how I love being a female RA patient. I was singing a song there stark naked and waiting....oh the freaking wait! Why do I have the corniest soundtracks playing in my head? Something I may never know.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Would a Social Life be Fun Anymore?

Having an auto-immune disease rob you in your 20's kind of...well kind of sucks the big one. I remember in my early 20's dancing it up and having a blast at my favorite club/bar that played alternative 80's music (the best music in the world if you ask me). I would pay for it days afterwards too and not in the hangover sense, in the ouch what the hell happened to my knees, hips, and ankles kind of way. I would ice my swollen joints days after. I always blamed it on my fashionable shoes. Thinking I stood too long, danced too hard, and should have left the party early.

Not until my mid 20's did I understand something was not seriously right anymore. Then comes a crushing blow of a Rheumatoid Arthritis diagnosis and then comes all of the meds that take away normalcy. Not like my body took normalcy away, but how are you supposed to have fun without liquor because you are on so many drugs that kill your kidneys and liver? I'm sorry, but I was never into the straight edge scene that tried happening in the 90's and still carries on today. No moshing to Henry Rollins on Red Bull for me. Libations makes the world go round when you're out trying to blow off steam and being rowdy and young is what one is supposed to do.

Now in my early 30's, I caught myself on a Saturday night lying in my bed with my handy dandy and trusting heating pad, RA hand sleeves to help with swelling and tight tendons, my massaging pillow, ice pack on my knee, and trying to read the Hunger Games (please, let me stress the word TRY...that book is poorly written. I aim for old miserable French and Russian classics, when novels were novels). I stopped and thought to myself as I often do, that this shouldn't be me in my 30's. Then I wondered if a social life is even going to happen anymore. I'm not one for crafting at AC Moore. I don't knit, I don't bake, and I suck at scrap booking...what else does one do to have a social life with a disease?

I tried following that Single Gal with RA....I think she went rogue because she never updated squat on her facebook page. RA Guy seems to be in my boat a lot of the times, and by boat, I really mean bed. Who else can be my RA sherpa to living a rather normal life and getting a social life with a shitty auto-immune disease?

If anyone knows of someone out there that has the answers, please pass along the information. I know there are quite a few younger people out there who have RA and other auto-immune diseases and are going through what I am going through.

I took this picture sometime ago and I want to go back when days of dancing didn't hurt, drinking didn't mix with my RA meds, and I wasn't in bed reading a rather shitty book on a Saturday night.

I leave you with a song I used to love dancing to. Ah, the good ol'days.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Falling Behind

I did something the other day. I deactivated my Facebook account. As wonderful as Facebook is, it can kind of destroy one's psyche. The new psychological term being thrown out lately is "Facebook Depression" and in all honesty, it has some merit. I would not say I was becoming depressed over Facebook but it was contributing to a touch of sadness but I primarily blame Rita for messing with my brain topography again. She comes and goes like a strange bed fellow in the night.

I know people (for the most part) only put the happy sappy shit up on their walls. Pictures of great times, videos of partying, wonderful sayings and what have you, and after a while you really start believing that no one but you is having a shitty go. It really is a weird twist to one's mental state. Yesterday was my first full day without it. I had twinges of checking and monitoring here and there but overall, I had an ease about not giving much of a shit. I do miss the photo challenge portion. I have taken an art hiatus too. I have three days of photo themes to catch up on.

Day 13-Remove
Day 14-Clean
Day 15-Angular

I have to get working on those and post them on here and save them for my Facebook photos when I do decide to go back on, if at all.

Plus, I spent time thinking and evaluating my relationship with my fiance. I love the man dearly and it is true that we have very very little in common. I can't love everything he loves but I realized I wasn't being nice about it. I don't want to be that person for him. I often think he is either a relationship guru or is reading relationship self-help books (which I know will happen when pigs fly) because he seems to know a lot of things I never learned or am not privy to. We have a long road ahead and things are not easy for us and don't come easy for us. We were both shafted in a lot of ways before meeting. I know I will have setbacks as will he, but I aim to be a better fiancee. I know he tries and will continue to try too.

He sent me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers yesterday. I am a true girl in that sense. I love getting flowers from him. I never thought I would be that type of girl. He made me realize I am by treating me so nicely. Here are two pictures of the bouquet. I already plucked a rose to dry out and put in my fiance box.

They are a truly lovely gesture. One that makes me weepy in a good way.

Hell, here are the other arrangements of the past. I love memory lane.

These beautiful roses were sent to me after we met. They were such a surprise and the first flowers I ever received from a man. He still can't believe that fact hahahaha.

These were gorgeous as well. See, he is Mr. Green Jeans, the man knows his flowers. He says he spoils me...and he does. Sssshhhhh, don't tell him I admitted it, admitted it in writing too. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I Don't Know How Some People Make It

No one likes to be hurt but how you handle the feelings of being hurt is a whole different game. It's even worse when the person who hurt you doesn't get it or see it the same way. I am used to others not seeing things my way, that is what comes with thinking differently. I am super sensitive, I don't like showing that side to many and the people I do show it to...I guess I feel they should hold that sacred. I know, wishful thinking. I guess that is why I stayed a lone wolf a long time. I realized over the years that relationships of all kinds can and in my case will eventually hurt. I know, nothing's perfect. Perhaps being in a flare and on roids make me extra sensitive but I need validation on my hurt feelings.

I have a long distance relationship. I know a whole other stamina comes with that just like a different stamina comes with being together day in day out. In my relationship, we make it a point to video chat every night. I had to swallow and accept the fact that my partner does not like to "chit chat" and finds it hard to talk about things. I, on the other hand, can chit chat about anything. So once he told me this in plain English, I really have tried working harder on understanding that and accepting the fact that he doesn't like chit chatting, gets tired earlier than I do at night, and does not like staring into the computer screen for too long. Okay, I get it and I personally feel I have done a great job for once. I even thought to myself the other day how proud I was of myself.

Yesterday was a long day for both of us without too much communication so I naturally get excited to see him on the computer and chat with him. He looked tired. I asked him if he was tired, he said yes. So, I took that as my cue that he wanted to go to bed. I didn't want to leave the chat but I was trying to accept the fact that he was tired and thought he wanted to go to bed. Again, I was proud of myself.

By off chance he was still awake watching TV, I texted him because I wanted to tell him something. I had a sneaking suspicion he was playing online video games and he was. He admitted it. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, he wasn't so tired as I thought he was and led me to believe he was and looking at a computer screen can't hurt him that bad at night if he is up playing games. Then he texted me and said "what was it that you wanted? The guys are fixing a ship that just broke". My mouth kind of fell open. Not only was I ditched for video games but then he had time to text me real quick because some cyber boat was being fixed? I started to cry, first in anger, then realizing this isn't what I want out of a relationship. 

I know it is hard for me (as an only child) to fathom that I am not the center of someone's universe 24/7...but for once I was really trying to be good about something. I listened to him tell me "it could be worse, I could be out every night at a bar drinking". At first, I really hated the justification bullshit. Yet, I tried convincing myself that he was right, it could be worse. I managed sucking on that bitter pill and left things alone. However, last night something snapped in me, I was crying in bed thinking I can't be with someone who does this. I felt like I have been doing so good by not fighting about it anymore, giving two shits less about video gaming during the day, accepting the fact he doesn't like to chit chat, and that staring at a screen hurts his eyes...blah blah blah blah. 

I don't know what hurt me more, the fact that I was being respectful of his complaints about video chatting (secretly knowing it hurts inside to see him every night but not be in the same room), or being respectful of those complaints but those complaints didn't seem to bother him so much while playing video games? Or, the fact that he abruptly texted me and asked what I was wanting because a ship was being fixed in cyber space? I guess it was a culmination of all of those things. 

I have a friend from high school who is married to someone who lives for gaming. He's 30 something just like us, and I asked her if it bothered her that her husband does it. She said it pisses her off BUT at least she knows where he is. That sounded like the line of shit I was being fed, "it could be worse...." What gives with us females starting to believe and live their lines of shit? I realized around 3 AM as I tossed and turned, I never was that person so why should I change now? Just because I'm in love and want to keep a man? That doesn't sit well with me. I know I have an overall great man in my life, but how much are we supposed to overlook things that really bother is in a relationship, just to say I have a great man in my life? 

I'm really a sad mess about this. I just feel like the nightly ritual we have of video chatting means more to me than it does him. It's all I have though for the next 19 months. I think maybe video chatting once to twice a week would be better and using the phone. This way I don't see that he is tired and feel bad to cut the conversation knowing he may want to sleep. This way, it won't sting as bad when he plays video games at night. I don't know? I wish he could see it and feel it the way I do. He's always one to tell me to be in someone else's shoes and see and feel it from their perspective but why can't he do that with me and my feelings about this?

I can't struggle with this when and if we are actually together. I know I can't. I at least know that now and if he feels the same way about knowing he can't deal with a woman who feels this way about his love for gaming, then feelings need to be acknowledged and rectified now before it's too late.

I hope the hurt feelings go away soon but I kind of have had a belly full of being understanding only for it to come back and smack me in my face and disappoint me to my core.

I forgot to post a picture for yesterday's photo challenge. Yesterday's (Day 12) photo challenge was solitary. Looking back on it, perhaps yesterday's challenge was a sign? Maybe I truly am made for a solitary life.

Today's theme is even a bigger sign. Today's theme is REMOVE. I'm a big believer in signs. I always used to go by my gut feeling and I tried changing that about me for this relationship. Now after reading over my post, I just see me trying to change a lot yet I don't know how much he has changed for me. Then, there's that feeling that no one should change for anyone. Which then makes me wonder if we aren't right for one another. Relationships are hard. They shouldn't have to be so hard, should they? I'm bouncing ideas off in cyber space. I wish a shrink would read this and respond.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Rita Flares her Ugly Head

Yikes, a simple task of typing a ten plus page paper for my course kicked my ass yesterday. Friday night my neck popped and I thought I only heard it in my head (you know how RA pops seems to be so much louder to you yet other people hear them at the same level?) but my mom heard it across the room and yelled, "what was that?!". I stated it was the base of my skull where my neck starts. I didn't mean to pop it, it just just did it on its own really.

I left it alone and chucked it up to my usual ghastly and unlady like noises. Saturday morning? Well, something in my neck must have been inflamed so bad that it made my whole left side numb and swollen. My parents wanted me to go to the hospital but me hating to pay medical bills declined. I took a pain pill, patched myself up with icy hot patches, got my heating pad out that my fiance bought me, and made a sling out of an expensive scarf. I found an roid pack that I did not take from my Rheumy the last time. I think her love for roids is kind of scary. Roids don't really fix anything (just inflammation) and they give you this sense false of hope that you can fly and beat up bad people like some super hero. I broke down and decided to start today's dose. It has helped a lot, which makes me mad because I'm always rolling my eyes at my Rheumy and her roid speech. I will never admit they helped. I usually just opt for the shots in my joints because I feel it is helping an actual joint, but this flare is unlike anything I've had before.

I get frustrated that what used to be a simple and sedentary task like typing a paper has become a 4 day ordeal instead of me pounding it out in a few hours. I often have to stop, stretch, stand-up, walk around,'s ridiculous.

It's so pretty out today too, I just want to frolic in a field somewhere. Hopefully, I'm on the mend. I just need to make it until next week's infusion. Come on body, you can do it.

I did not post yesterday's photo. Yesterday's (Day 10) challenge was course. I say what better way to show course a thing or two by posting my daily course of pills for RA.

Someone asked me "why include your birth control pills?". I replied "so I don't have a malformed baby because of my drugs. Duh, read the label. Every bottle states do not get pregnant."

Today's theme (Day 11) was connected. These verbs are hard.

I hope all of you are having a nice weekend. Mine was utterly uneventful but I guess I need to start liking those types of weekends because I simply can't do what I used to do when it comes to going out and having fun. I get concerned about stairs, standing too long, no seating, I can't dance, can't drink, and I get tired young people want to hang out with a 90 year old. I might as well be sitting in a corner, rocking in a chair, and knitting a sweater while I watch my cats play. Hahaha.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Do you ever think someone else has your life?

In high school I had a special someone tell me in a thick Afrikans accent "Jealousy makes you naaaahsty!". You know it was said in a real lyrical way. Without batting an eyelash back in his direction and skipping a beat my biting tongue retorted, "Kisss my bloody assssssy!". I slung it back in real me fashion. Hell that was about 15 years ago. And guess what? I, like others, admit jealousy is a natural human component and I try my best (somedays) to not let it show.

However, when you are stuck in bed on heavy heavy doses of medications for a disease you can't help but lying there and thinking about how this wasn't supposed to be your life. I was the spunky wild card. I would dye my hair all colors of the rainbow, wear fishnets, wear all black and shit kicker combat boots. I was artistic in every sense from fashion, to thinking, to living. I left that world behind me but I often wonder what it would be like today if I was still like that.

That leads me to someone I never met. I left a pretty decent life a few years back and moved to somewhere new. It was supposed to be a new beginning. The night of my going away party at my favorite bar/club I saw this younger version of me that night in a stranger. I did not give it much thought because I was leaving the next day. Well, I think this stranger has the life I was supposed to have in my old town and stomping grounds. It turns out this lady shares some of the same friends as me, has a dream job I wanted before I left, has this fun looking house, an artistic fiance who went to Harvard for film school...the gagfest list is extensive. Wherever I turn, it's like 6 degrees of separation to this stranger. I then dug a little bit on my deathbed and just thought to myself, "this girl has the life I envisioned for myself". She is what I am supposed to be. How did that happen? 

My fiance often reminds me that other people are jealous of me. He listed jealous of my intelligence, my Master's degrees, my loving fiance...maybe that is true but it's hard to think that way.

I just simply did not envision the present day me in the past. I can't even travel the way I once did because of my disability and the constant doctor appointments and infusion schedules. Plus, it simply boils down to the fact that my medication unfortunately takes my life away on a daily basis. 

No one ever talks about this shit about chronic disease at the doctor's in the infusion rooms, the stupid group support meetings. Why? I'm jealous of a stranger and healthy people. There, I said it and I ain't taking it back. I say what I mean and mean what I say. The present day me is not what the past me envisioned. It's quite that simple really.

I forgot to post yesterday's daily photo challenge. Day 8 was Sequence. These verbs are kicking my ass. I wasn't feeling yesterday's challenge much. I took a shot in an elevator. I feel like I am often stuck in an elevator only going up and down. It's a grainy shot because I was feeling shoddy. 

Today's challenge was more interesting. Today's (Day 9) challenge was force.

An old friend gave me a compliment today. He said, "you really are talented. Art truly runs through you.". That meant a lot to me. Ask me? I have no clue quite frankly.

Yes, this post had me starting singing "It's My Life".....but is it really my life?

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Nature Sucks the Big One

You know how I have spoken about dichotomies? I really should have been a Gemini instead on an Aries. I have two sides to me. I have the hard side and the soft side. I have issues with fairness and injustice. I am a city slicker with a huge heart for animals, especially of the feline variety. Domestic felines to be exact. I have had a cat since I was in my mother's womb. I have always had a cat in my life. Now, I have 3. I know over 2 puts one at the crazy cat lady level and I don't give a shit. I have big heart for cats and I always want them to be safe, loved, properly cared for, and taken care of. 

My fiance lives on a farm and has been raised knowing animals die, get butchered, and sell to be butchered. One of the feral cats Midnight (who let me pet her and hold her and no one else could) had babies the other day. She only had 3 and 1 died of natural causes from the get go. So, that left two kittens. I was so excited to hear about them and I couldn't wait to hold them and see them. Unfortunately, one was killed today in apparent Tom Cat murder. When my fiance told me that, I immediately cried like a loser. 

I love the warm and fuzzy animal shows and Animal Planet never shows them. I will not under any circumstance what so ever watch wildlife kingdom shows because of all of the animal on animal crime in the wild. I know, that sounds insane right? It's true though. I cry like a blubbering idiot in those shows. I have since I was a kid in school. My fiance says I have a big heart, it kind of impedes me in all honesty. It's so sad. I'm still crying in all honesty. My dad used to tell me when I was young that if it wasn't for my naughty ways and foul mouth, I would have made a great nun. That is why I love St. Francis of Assisi. It was all of these horrible things like senseless deaths, starvation, disease, wars, animals dying, and poor children with cancer that made me really think twice about God. I don't really see how there is a God when all of this bad continues to happen. I always pictured him as the one who loves and wants to protect, yet he is the one who brings all of this despair upon living creatures. It makes no sense. 

I feel so badly for that kitten and I hope it is in kitten heaven and all safe and warm. I know, this post solidifies my craziness but it's true. I hope cat heaven is something like this IKEA heaven, if there is a God, and I get granted access to the pearly gates, I hope this is my heaven too.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Neophobic Hell

I'm in neophobic shock and hell. I really am afraid of all type of change yet I push myself to try and change something everyday. It's really hard. Really really really hard. I was put on neophobic blast today. My fiance changed his room and subsequently my real first thought was "now where do I put my shit?". Especially my beauty supplies, where the hell do they go? I travel with a lot of bags and items because I'm staying in a dude's house. It's not like he has blowdryers, flat irons, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, loofas, lady razors...the list is endless in all honesty. His room looked great and it fits his needs and comfort. I'm happy he has his own place to do his work and futz around. However, it was a lot of change for me.

Then as we sat down for our nightly video chat he sprung another HUGE change on me. He shaved off his homeless beard and went for a more managed goatee. I despise I mean DESPISE facial hair of any kind. I felt like I compromised with this goatee issue. In all honesty, he compromised as well because I think he would rather have a full bushy beard. He always tells me a relationship is give and take, I told him bluntly you give, I take. It sounded simple and finite to me. I'm in neophobic shock right now. That is why I adore cats, they are creature of habits. So am I. What will I do with all of this change? Sing Goodbye ruby Tuesday?

Huh. I'm still processing this change.

Here is Day 7's submission to the photo challenge. Today's challenge was "Contrast". I personally think I kicked ass with today's assignment.

I did triple contrast.

One: I contrasted the two oil pastels of the shade black and tint white.
Second: I placed the white in the light and the dark in the shadow. I contrasted light and darkness.
Third: I did it in black and white to give it more contrast.

I thought it was damn ingenious of me quite frankly.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Rita is a Beauty Sucker

Well, it looks like I got beat up in a bar fight last night. In a way, I wish I did. That means I was at a bar, having fun, and drinking like I don't have a chronic disease. That also means I was whooping it up and slamming them back last night instead of minding my kidneys and my liver because of my high potent RA drugs. Nope, I wasn't doing any of that. My night consisted of pain and ever so gently slurping sugar-free JELLO off a plastic spoon and not being able to open my mouth all last night (which carried into today) due to all of my dental work. See, Rita started attacking my jaw joints. I have to admit that I never knew there were 200 plus joints in a human body until I started reading at the Rheumy's office. When my jaw is pried open for too long it starts to pop and creak and then slam shut. I'm on a liquid diet for the next couple of days.

Which leads to thoughts I was having last night tossing and turning in my own bed of self-pity. I really think Rita has taken away my two ugly step-sisters beauty and pretty.

I woke up today to a swollen face, pale lips, dark circles, and swollen fingers/hands. I looked in the mirror a good long time this morning. I literally asked myself, "where did you go?". Perhaps a looming birthday is to blame. You know how people break down around New's Year Eve reflecting on how they did not accomplish what they wanted to accomplish during that year? I do that on my birthday. If anything this past year on various RA drugs has made me fatter, made my dark circles darker, made my nails even more bitter, and made me feel more lethargic. These are beauty things I'd love to change but can't due to my meds. What will this new age bring? I may be too scared to find out in all honesty.

This past year did bring two big winds of change though. An endeavor into a new Master's program and a loving fiance. Ol'WW pretty much demands that I look at the positives. So, I need to mention that but the way I function makes me think about 10 negatives for every positive. I know he doesn't want me to think that way. I'm feeling blue. Every year I feel like I should have been further into a life plan and then when I really sit and think about it, I don't have a life plan. I'm stagnant and in limbo for the good amount of time being.

A wish list for this upcoming new age (not a resolution list):

1. To be married (which I don't think will happen).
2. Start a family (which I don't think will happen either).
3. Start a new career (which I may or may not make happen...I'll try).
4. Hell, I'd settle for living with my fiance (nope, doubtful here too).
5. Get rid of Obama in office (I wish for this often and I'm not wasting my wish on my birthday cake).
6. Get healthier (I really just made myself laugh out loud on this one).
7. Go into Rita Remission (can Arava my new wonder drug help in this goal?)
8. Stop thinking too much (other meds will help with that hopefully).
9. Take things for what they are and follow the dude line: "it is what it is" (I started yesterday and already want to choke on the thought).
10. Be more creative (I'm currently trying to work on that, I hope it lasts).
11. Make at least 2 new facebook friends and stop using the hashtag of #MissAnnThrope (this one is hard).
12. Be happier and enjoy these many many months alone manless (my mom's advice she says I need to follow).
13. Stop gauging my piss poor life on the fellow friends' life timeline and society's timeline of marriage, kids, and home ownership.

We'll see. I highly doubt I will accomplish 25% of this list.
A song that has been on my mind, when romantic songs were romantic.

I wish it was easy as buying a new life.

On a creative side note. Here is Day 6 photo's challenge of "Compare". I compared the shades and tints of a primary color. No one saw the beauty in this idea or photo. The joke's on them!

Monday, March 5, 2012

More Photos

I know I forgot to add Day 4 to my blog for my March Photo Challenge. I did not have a thing to post about yesterday and today I am too numb to even think after getting the last part of my bridge (over troubled waters) complete from my toothless fiasco. I am glad the dentist is done for the next few months.

Day 4: Food

Day 5: Tool (I chose a tool that helps me on a daily basis. I use this not to rely on other peoples' hands when Rita (my Rheumatoid Arthritis) is cutting up like a damn fool). Man, how I need this tool often.

Man how I hurt today. 2012 has literally been a pain for the first 3 months. I can't stand much more. I need a vacation. Oh wait, I can't leave my body at home. I kind of need that. Someone told me I need to learn how to meditate. Yeah, me? Hahahaha. That was the funniest suggestion I heard for a while.

I'll miss singing this song in a way. I made a whole verse that I renamed, "bridge over troubled gums". My mom snorted when I added my own special touch.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

My 40th Post

I feel like I need a kazoo for this. Granted, I have not written every single day, I at least tried to keep up. This post will be short and sweet because quite frankly I'm not in the best of moods and I'd rather not analyze today. I must be sick.

Today's photo challenge is: Day 3: Soil.
I aptly named this photo showing that even something that helps grow and sustain life can often be a cause of decay. A misanthropic look on nature? Why, yes. A nihilistic view on nature? Why, yes. I never did get along with nature. This coming from a gal whose favorite book's English title is Against Nature. I'm bombing at the photo challenge. People really are getting rather artsy fartsy and creative. Some whipping out the 1k to 2k lenses. I guess I left my artistic side behind.

I have to admit that Facebook really is fascinating. A new recent friend posted a picture from the Atheist club. I'm not an Atheist, I consider myself an Agnostic now. I always was the kid that didn't believe something until I saw it with my own two eyes. I gather that is why I abhor magic and illusions.

This man commented on the photo. He stated,

"Intelligence is only sexy when it is not

 followed by design."

I really wonder if he meant that. I questioned it like I do with all statements and intentions. It's an interesting theory he posed. 

This is the picture that I am kindly "borrowing". 

Why do all "sexy female intellectuals" have to look like a version of Lisa Loeb anyhow? I think that is 
my biggest question of the day. One I will analyze later. I heart this kitty cat in the video.

Oh... can I also wear my favorite shade (black) to a baby shower? Is that socially acceptable? I'm not really good at that kind of shit. I'll try, but I might bomb.

Friday, March 2, 2012

A (not so much literal) Run in with an Old(er) RA Patient

I had to go to the gym today to get my stiff peg leg functioning from that damn test on Tuesday. I'm still flaring from that sucker.

I only work on land upstairs. Downstairs is a giant pool where all of the senior citizens hang out and converse about their aching joints...yadda yadda yadda (well come to think of it they are located upstairs too ahahaha).

Today's photo challenge for day 2 was water. This photo challenge actually made me check out the pool for once. I went through the locker rooms to get there. As I snapped my picture and was told yet again for the ohhhh, maybe 1 millionth time..."eat raisins soaked in gin, it'll cure your rheumatism!" No shit? Hold up old ladies, you mean to tell me all of these cancer drugs and malaria drugs I've been taking and spending loads of money on, were just for shits and giggles? Get out! (yes, that was sarcasm).

By the way, before I forget. Here is a photo of Day 2:Water.

As I was coming back through the locker rooms a wee bit agitated and fuming I hear on old voice saying...."Hey you young missy!". I looked up and there was an old lady standing there in her bathing suit. She said she remembered me from the Rheumatologist's office. She said she had a few infusions with me. I felt badly because quite frankly, I could not remember her old mug. Perhaps that might be due to the fact that my freaking chief complaint is that EVERY month I'm stuck in an infusion room with senior citizens. I'm always the youngest.

She was telling me how she had both of her hips replaced not too long ago and she said she stopped getting infusions. I was puzzled and said why? She said she was now in her early 70's and was diagnosed with RA at 65. She said after seeing me she didn't want to take up space when young people like me needed the space more. That was a real special RA bonding moment there (that wasn't sarcastic). I mean all of the other old bitter bitches in there are in the same boat yet they would never ever give up their precious spot for infusion day. I saw one old bitch actually whip out a knitting bag and started to knit an afghan. I literally said out loud (sarcastically), "wow, you must either be on the good shit or you're faking it." The nurse giggled.

This brings me to the Orencia (RA infusion medicine) informational DVD I had to watch before starting this infusion. It was about a 80 year old woman who was just diagnosed 4 years ago. Now, how in the hell did she figure out she had RA and not just old lady OA? I sat there in my 20's watching a video about a woman in her 80's suffering this disease full well knowing she could kick it any day and I had decades to go because I was diagnosed young!!! I was enraged. I complained to my doctor about that piss poor healthcare marketing, I complained to the drug rep, the local drug manager, and then I took my poison pen letter skills right to the top. I told them that they needed to get their marketing in order and have a DVD about young people and this disease. I checked in with my doctor last month and she giggled and said they still had the same DVD. Obviously my keene sense of healthcare marketing strategies fell on deaf ears. Ugh I'm still pissed about that experience.

Today's fellow RA lady really made me think there are some decent fellow RA patients out there. Here I thought we were a just a bunch of complaining bitter bitches (me included). (Half sarcastic and half real).

My fiance says I'm Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory. I never see the comparison.

I absolutely adore the French subtitles.


Thursday, March 1, 2012

March Photo Challenge 2012

A friend of mine on Facebook tagged me in something peculiar the other day. She tagged me in a post about photography. I used to kick ass at photography. This was before digital cameras, actual film existed, and I could roll my film in the darkest of rooms and develop my own film in the dark room. Now, I despise my actual digital camera and I rarely take any good photos anymore because I am too busy relying on my IPhone.

I was tagged in a post called the March Photo Challenge 2012. I love taking random photos and having corny captions to explain the photo. Each day for the 31 days of March have a theme. Today is the 1st day and the theme is Green. Some people really took their picture taking to a professional level. I, well, I took mine to using my phone and maybe breaking the law? No, just kidding. I took a picture of a shutter that is on a florist's facade. I always think the color difference is striking between this odd green and maroon combo. So, I usually whiz by this joint but today this photo challenge actually made me stop and take a picture. I'm glad just for the challenge. I don't need to work on being the best photographer. I'm doing it to say I did it. That is what my 2012 is about, weird bucket list items. In this case, one I didn't even know I had but must do. They have a great blog and are on Facebook as well if any other people are interested in joining.

Their blog is:

This blog is where you get the new daily theme. I had to submit a photo of myself, so I chose a self-portrait I did some months back. I will post each picture for the next 30 days (including the 1st one today) along with the theme for the day.

Today's theme was: Day:1-Green

Here is my self-portrait. I had to go on their Facebook page and accept the challenge. I hope I live up to the 31 days of this. Hahaha. Wish me luck.

Then, I could not help singing a wonderful song while starting this challenge. I'm really a dork.