Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Emotional Casino Games

I cried myself to sleep last night after I wrote my post. My mom mentioned talking to a professional again. I have yet to find a professional that can understand the concept of chronic illness and the levels of despair and disdain that comes along with it. I know I had a severe breakdown from pain and exhaustion in 2010/2011. After that, I tried working with professionals to get me back to some sort of normalcy and reality. It never worked because I have severe trust issues. I never let them in and kept them all at my long arm's reach. I know, I wasn't helping myself in the interim but when I was getting speeches about "think about the other person, their mom may have just died." Yeah, so what? Mine may have just died too, do you think the other person cares? That type of combative behavior would ensue and I started giving up when these touchy-feely professionals were trying me complete tasks that were not the root of my problem. The root of my problem is that I am severely angry at the shitty hand I was dealt (poker or blackjack). No one can seem to offer useable coping mechanisms for that.

This leads me to the game of roulette. I think I may have done something stupid with my life. I did what no one should ever do, place all their money on one number and let it ride. The house always wins folks. I played roulette with my heart. It dawned on me today. I put all of my chips (or too many eggs in one basket) on the table in my relationship. I did something reckless, I put too many hopes and expectations on my relationship as though having a relationship would get me out of my debilitating funk and back to functioning. It's like my relationship came at a good time in the area of focus. I focused too much on my relationship and not enough on my still obvious problems of resentment and denial of a disease that will be with me for the rest of my life. I guess I was banking on my relationship to solve all my problems over night. That is simply not plausible or fair for my fiance for that matter. He's not here to heal me, he can't fix my problems. No one but me can fix them and by fix I guess I mean accept what has been given to me and how I will live most of days in pain and deformity. I have to admit a budding new relationship did really get my focus off my issues and then I hyper focused on a relationship. Whilst doing that, I didn't help myself with the same problems that broke me down two years ago, and they are still present and accounted for. As a relationship grows older, more familiar, and stagnant (as is the case in my long distance one) my focus has now just shifted back to my old problems, worries, and concerns. I was unrealistically expecting my relationship to save me from my problems because it was new and exciting. I shouldn't have been so silly and childish in my thought process there. I only let myself down. My mom always said I was too hard on myself and always put too much pressure on myself. She's right. It has been a very unhealthy habit all of my life.

It just goes to show that even if I were pre-occupied with a job or a life, my usual issues will always be there and they will always haunt me and taunt me. This is a prison sentence, not a moment for when life  gives you lemons, make lemonade. You can't make lemonade with my issues.


Monday, May 28, 2012

So Utterly and Incredibly Restless

I finally finished my prednisone today. Did I get the results I was expecting for all of the suffering of side effects? Nope, not really. One thing those pills helped with was the itching. I guess that is a positive, right?

I wonder if my actual itchiness was stemming from my inner itch of restlessness and angst? I'm oh so restless with my current stagnant life. Stagnant because of disease, stagnant because of mundane schooling, stagnant because of my relationship. Every component of my life is stagnant. I feel as though I am drowning in algae. Algae happens because of stagnant water. I do not even know what to do or how to fix my stagnant situations. That is a real incredible sad part. I'm angry about so much from not working (being a productive citizen) to not being able to being at least the little bit active (either in physical workouts or even just going out and being a part of life).

I can blame Rita for a lot of this but it should be on me to help myself out of this deep sinking pit of a rut. I was working today on school work. I finished a term paper. Then I read two chapters for a test I have tomorrow. Then I sat there looking at my calendar to the left of my computer. All I had written down were doctor's appointments and class related items. I decided to keep flipping through the months to see what I had going on, almost like I envisioned a social life portion to my calendar. I just sat there and a wave of sadness ensued. This should not be the calendar of a single (in the terms of not being married) 33 year old woman. I never knew my life would result to this in all honesty. This is what June looks like on my calendar.

June 8th- pre-op appointment for hand
June 12th-Final Economics exam
June 14th-Surgery
June 25th-Dentist
June 27th-Jury Duty
June 28th- RA Infusion.

Wow, how can I contain my excitement? All the following months follow the same type of plan. I've tried so much harder not to focus on this "new normal"of mine but it still angers me and saddens me to tears on a daily basis. I just can not shake the feeling of being so alone. However, I am alone...alone and so not having a life. I often feel life was wasted on me. I do not live every day to its fullest. I am lucky if I even change from one pair of pajamas into another on a daily basis. How can I get out of these ruts? I'm tired of so much. Tired of my bland life, tired of having a part time lover and a full time disease, I'm tired of waiting around all day just to have a 20 minute conversation with a long distance love. I'm tired of hurting both physically and mentally. I tried so many times to talk to professionals and find ways to help me cope. I was put on a regiment of medication to help my brain get back to some sort of happier place after a severe breakdown a year and a half ago. I'm just so tired of being a trapped POW in my own mind and body.

I just can not help but think there has to be more to my life and what am I even here for? It's really becoming hard to deal with. As I sit here and type, I can not even find the right words to clearly express how I am feeling about my stagnant life. It's truly debilitating in so many ways. I know others suffer like me, I just want someone to hold my hand, pick me up, and guide me to the right answer or path because I currently feel so isolated and lost and it makes me want to scream and cry at the same time.


Saturday, May 26, 2012

Daily and (SO CLOSE TO OVER) Daily Roid Rage Retrospective: Day 9 and 10

Day 1: 6 tablets (completed, sweated profusely, and pissing like a race horse)
Day 2: 6 tablets (completed, sweated again, pissed like a race horse again and leg pains)
Day 3: 5 tablets (completed, sweated again, not sleeping, and headache)
Day 4: 5 tablets (completed, sweating oh the sweating, sleep...what's that?...ow my head hurts)
Day 5: 4 tablets (completed and weepy and also wondering how can one sweat so much and still gain weight on prednisone?)
Day 6: 4 tablets (completed...less weepy YAY!, still sweating BOO!)
Day 7: 3 tablets (completed....more mellow...yet still sweating so so much).
Day 8: 3 tablets (completed....still mellow, contemplative, and still sweating like a pig).
Day 9: 2 tablets (completed and the effects are dying down!) Wooooohooo!
Day 10: 2 tablets (completed...a bit of a sore throat and burning lungs but doing better!)
Day 11: 1 tablet
Day 12: 1 tablet


I hope I am not coming down with some sort of upper resp. infection. My throat has been a bit raw and my lungs feel like they are a wee bit on fire. I've been just trying to stay indoors and remain cool and away from germs. It's amazing how much more RA has made me a germ-a-phobe. 


My poor fiance is feeling under the weather today which breaks my heart because I am unable to help him feel better. Days like this are even worse for long distance relationships.


Speaking about long distance relationships, I am almost 3/4's through my first book on the subject. It's interesting to say the least but so far the book has not hit on any of my issues. They keep discussing infidelity and that is oddly enough one issue I don't have. Ahahaha. 


On a waaaaay more exciting note, my copy of SHOW US YOUR HANDS! book came today in the mail. I was so excited to see it, hold it, and read it. My mom was excited to see my page. She read it and then cried. I didn't mean for her to cry for Pete's sake. It was so fascinating reading everyone's page. Their hopes and dreams were shared along with the realities of having autoimmune arthritis. I relished each page. Here is a picture I took of reading my own page. All the pages rocked! I really love how mine came out.


If you are able please buy it. The proceeds go to Show Us Your Hands an awareness movement. 







Thursday, May 24, 2012

Daily Roid Rage Retrospective: Day 8 (Wait, I bought two self help books?)

Day 1: 6 tablets (completed, sweated profusely, and pissing like a race horse)
Day 2: 6 tablets (completed, sweated again, pissed like a race horse again and leg pains)
Day 3: 5 tablets (completed, sweated again, not sleeping, and headache)
Day 4: 5 tablets (completed, sweating oh the sweating, sleep...what's that?...ow my head hurts)
Day 5: 4 tablets (completed and weepy and also wondering how can one sweat so much and still gain weight on prednisone?)
Day 6: 4 tablets (completed...less weepy YAY!, still sweating BOO!)
Day 7: 3 tablets (completed....more mellow...yet still sweating so so much).
Day 8: 3 tablets (completed....still mellow, contemplative, and still sweating like a pig).
Day 9: 2 tablets
Day 10: 2 tablets
Day 11: 1 tablet
Day 12: 1 tablet


So, I went out of my comfort zone today. I purchased and downloaded TWO (count them TWO) self-help books about long distance relationship help. What possessed me? Well, I'd like to blame the roids, but it really just boils down to sheer solid dedication and hard work to my relationship. I know I am in a personal rut still mourning the old me and trying to accept the "new normal" as one orthopedic putz put it, but I can't have everything go down in a death spiral at once. I know I am a go big or go home type of gal but this would be nuts. 


I went to bed sad and lonely and woke up the same way so I knew I had to figure something out. I started researching NOOK books in the area of long distance relationship help. I found two that seemed to be interesting and received decent reviews. I never really cared for self-help books (as noted in a post about trying to read self-help books about coping with disease). I have a difficult time making friends and the older you get the harder it is to make friends. My current friends are all spread about and most of them are married, have families or are starting families. No one is in my long distance situation, so it is difficult to seek advice from them when they have never been in my shoes. Plus, no friend has a chronic illness that complicates matters. RA can be isolating in so many ways I never imagined. Each day I find an isolating variable to this disease. 


I commenced reading the first book listed below in my screen shot.




So far I am finding it soothing. I know, soothing is an odd adjective but I never realized how many people were actually in long distance relationships. I gathered the military (obviously) but other groups I never thought about.


My fiance is going to shit a brick when I start making him fill out answers to questionaries that I received from the book. He hates when I compare us to others, or when I read trashy mags and make him listen to me ahaha. In the book, I am on the part about meaningful communication. It seems both men and women in these relationships are griping and bellyaching about my issue; the departure of meaningful communication.


The story of us in a nutshell:


Our disabilities led us to a site, he contacted me with a snarky question, I gave him a snarky response. We decided to communicate and we moved our penpalship over to FB (because that site got lame and kind of iffy). We communicated for close to a solid year only through FB private messages. I was accused of slow play because I never dared giving my cell # to a stranger. See, I never met anyone over the internet. Through that year of being pen pals our feelings grew deeper. I gave him my number and we started talking on the phone. His voice was so deep. It's odd how to actually manage to picture a sound of a voice. I had my major knee surgery and  after rehab we decided to meet last July in a neutral place....Charlotte, NC. I was waaaaaaay out of my comfort zone. The moment we met I knew he was the lug...I mean love of my life. Ever since July we have been managing a long distance relationship. Letter writing as form of communication fell by the wayside because we talk, text, and video chat. However, the book I am reading is still insisting that form of communication is an important ingredient. I don't want laziness, dependency, or the action of taking one for granted to become an issue, on both of our parts. So May 1st has really been a technical 2 years of knowing one another but in July will be one whole year of being together. 


I hope these books help me not feel so alone and isolated and rejuvenate my need and passion for this relationship to work. He never has any doubts, don't ask me how but he doesn't. I am the worry wart, nervous nilly, and debbie doubter and debbie downer. How he puts up with me is beyond my knowledge? My parents have a running joke with him. They yell, "Run, William! Run!" or my dad, "You poor bastard!". I know, real nice.


A song by Regina Spektor always reminds me of well, US.







Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Well, There Went That Warm and Fuzzy Positivity

I know I have griped on my blog earlier about long distance relationships and how they are by no means easy. Plus, just a few short hours ago I was trying to say that I thought I was over the prednisone hurdle.

Well, that was short lived. My fiance is in school most of the day in another state. He wakes up early, I wake up late. He goes to bed early, and I got to bed late. I've been home trying to stabilize my RA these past couple of years and I have not been working because my father wants me to concentrate on health and school...plus he hated the fact I was a teacher. I know, who hates the thought of teachers? My Dad does. He says I was wasting my intellectual talents and not getting paid or great insurance. As my RA became worse, I started seeing what he was saying. After a while, I was fooling myself thinking I could preform the daily functions of a teacher in a high needs school. I know not being fully occupied does not help matters of sadness concerning the distance between my fiance but other issues are at the forefront.

I digress, the point is I am lucky if I am able to actually speak to my fiance for a few minutes on the phone in the morning before he goes to school and I am lucky (and I mean really damn lucky) to see him in the evening on the computer for a video chat session before his internet takes a dive. I try my best not to fixate on all of the negatives of a long distance relationship but on nights like these where I get hosed out of actual "viewing" time really makes me incredibly sad. I feel like a military fiance. I don't know how those women and men do it (both the military members and their loved ones). I always feel the distance affects me more than my fiance because he never dwells on sadness, where I do.

I was crushed after our internet disconnection this evening, well... I started choking back tears. I really really hate this.  I never ever pictured myself in this type of situation. I never grasp how my fiance never seems to get sad, flustered, or crushed by this either. He says he does when I ask but I often question it in my mind.

Ugh, oh well...so much for that warm and fuzzy feeling I thought I was feeling earlier. I don't think I can really blame all of my feelings on prednisone side effects this evening. I think I can blame them on situational sadness and resentment. He's coming to be with me for my surgery in three weeks, then who knows when I'll see him, hold him, touch him, smell him, you know...the usual things normal couples do on a daily basis.

Whew, this is really rough and tough. This long distance relationship is becoming a heavy heart and heavy arms for me.



Daily Roid Rage Retrospective: Day 7 (Is Anyone Else On My RA Page?)

Day 1: 6 tablets (completed, sweated profusely, and pissing like a race horse)
Day 2: 6 tablets (completed, sweated again, pissed like a race horse again and leg pains)
Day 3: 5 tablets (completed, sweated again, not sleeping, and headache)
Day 4: 5 tablets (completed, sweating oh the sweating, sleep...what's that?...ow my head hurts)
Day 5: 4 tablets (completed and weepy and also wondering how can one sweat so much and still gain weight on prednisone?)
Day 6: 4 tablets (completed...less weepy YAY!, still sweating BOO!)
Day 7: 3 tablets (a wee bit jittery and still sweaty. I really hate to sweat)
Day 8: 3 tablets
Day 9: 2 tablets
Day 10: 2 tablets
Day 11: 1 tablet
Day 12: 1 tablet


This week is a rather busy week for my Economics class. I have to almost (and I mean almost) be thankful for the roids. I actually have some jittery energy and motivation to work on my paper on market economies in the health care industry. Fun and crazy, right? 


I am just happy to be on the downward slope now of these tapered bitter pills, literally bitter. I must have not swigged enough water today with one pill and wowie zowie it was bitter tasting. 


Can I discuss a RA issue/problem/question? 


Every year around May or June (pre and current RA diagnosis), I have a major flare. I feel like I am one of those absurd RA patients where the cool weather actually makes me feel better. See, in cool weather I am less swollen and in less pain. In the warmer (hot/muggy) months, I swell like a dead bloated pig and just feel God awful. Is anyone else on my RA page? I mean I swear warm months and muggy weather actually hinder my RA, not help it.


I know at the Rheumatologist's office, everyone (but me) avoids the infusion chairs under the AC vents. They all complain about their joints. I am always happy to oblige and sit under the luke warm AC (even the AC is not cold because of the complainers). I find ice to be a major help. I only use the heating pad on my back when my RA in the thoracic section on my spine starts acting up.


I just don't get it. Am I one of those weird RA outliers? I'm interested to know if I really am the only RA patient who actually loves cool air/weather. 


Tomorrow marks 3 weeks until surgery number 1. I can't believe I am about to say this, but I am excited for it. While I was driving today my hand was so completely numb from holding the wheel. It took a while to have the numbness, burning, tingling, pins and needles sensation, and pain go away. 


I was contemplating actually taking another course while I recover, but I tried practicing typing with one hand. I just do not see how I will be able to juggle both recovery and class. I need some time to regroup. I am in no real rush right now. As my fiance said, you have to put you first sometimes. This might be one of those times.



Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Sign My RA Stricken Feet Up For This!

I agree, UGGS are extremely ugly but oh so damn comfy! Ever since having RA and bum ankles and toes...UGGS have kept my feet and ankles feel so toasty and warm during the winter months, which to me equals comfort!

When I saw that UGGS will be releasing a bridal line, well, I about fell out of my chair with glee!

Check this link out!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2148373/I-dont-Ugg-unveils-bridal-boots--ANYBODY-walk-aisle-them.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

I am seriously excited about these. I'd never wear them down the aisle but wearing them while getting ready and after wedding usage is something I am definitely not opposed to.


Daily Roid Rage Retrospective: Day 6 (Intimacy, Cats, and Comedic Relief)


Day 1: 6 tablets (completed, sweated profusely, and pissing like a race horse)
Day 2: 6 tablets (completed, sweated again, pissed like a race horse again and leg pains)
Day 3: 5 tablets (completed, sweated again, not sleeping, and headache)
Day 4: 5 tablets (completed, sweating oh the sweating, sleep...what's that?...ow my head hurts)
Day 5: 4 tablets (completed and weepy and also wondering how can one sweat so much and still gain weight on prednisone?)
Day 6: 4 tablets (completed...less weepy YAY!, still sweating BOO!)
Day 7: 3 tablets
Day 8: 3 tablets
Day 9: 2 tablets
Day 10: 2 tablets
Day 11: 1 tablet
Day 12: 1 tablet

As we all established, I have Rita with me 24/7. Rita is my nemesis and my evil devil on my shoulder. We can conclude that Rheumatoid Arthritis sucks. I can't wallow in my misery for too long because my fiance is Mr. Positivity. His positivity can often be annoying to me when I, the Debbie Downer, and RA Rita want to be cohorts and think bad things. Sometimes, it's so easy to get sucked into Rita's web of misery. However, Mr. Positivity comes and saves the day and tries to get be to look at the brighter side of life.

How did he get to be this way? Nurture: nope. Nature: Perhaps. Life experience? Most likely. He has a severe case of Ankylosing Spondylitis. He has had both of his hips replaced and his spine and neck are fused. We both entered our relationship with some self-esteem issues and trepidation. We had questions of concerns and we both came to the table with disability. On Facebook (being the ever wonderful connector of strangers), I friended a woman who has Ankylosing, Jennifer V. For World Autoimmune Arthritis Day, her and her husband did a presentation on intimacy for people living with Autoimmune Arthritis. I listened and watched the presentation. It was really wonderful for them to talk about such a secret part of their life. A part that my fiance and I can struggle with from time to time because we both have different Autoimmune Arthritis and different needs and limitations. Please check out the video below. Especially for the readers who have a healthy mate. Your healthy mate can learn a lot about your struggles and needs through this presentation as well.

For some reason I am unable to find the video through this blog but the youtube share tag is: http://youtu.be/3vxSBr2rGXc It is titled: Chronic Illness Changes Everything - Intimacy & Relationships

Now onto cats. 

I once promised my friend that I would not be that crazy cat lady on my blog. However, I swear my cats help me with both my emotional and physical needs. I have 3 cats. Sophie (11 year old Manx), Claude (a 2 year old (but I swear he's at least 6) rescue who is a Chartreux), and Remi (a 2 year old brother to Claude who I guess has some Lynx Point Siamese in him). Are they really brothers? Doubtful. I want to conduct a Kitty DNA test on them to see. Yes, I am that crazy.

Here are pictures:


This above is Sophie.


This below is Claude.


Here is baby cat Remi


The other day in my sad and mad mood, my cats were trying to entertain me and keep me going. First, my boys had to fight over their cat tree and squeeze both of their cat butts on the top post.


Then last night, Claude came over to get his lovings and furry chest rubs. He lives for furry chest rubs.



I know kids are out of the realm of possibility for me, but just like kids bring joy so do my cats. They really try and help you out in silence.

Now comedic relief. My fiance is a tight wad, there I said it. He is so practical when it comes to money. I am more free wheeling than he is when it comes to money. I had to go to the jewelry store last week (you know when I purchased that diamond and sapphire ring I really didn't need?) for part of a birthday present for him. My mom talked me into looking a diamond wedding bands to match my engagement ring. My wedding band that I have now is simple but great for days I do not want to be flashy. So my man Larry (who sold Ol'WW my rings and sold me Ol'WW's wedding band), started showing me what is called "enhancers". They are like two rings that surround your engagement ring. I started playing around with them and fell in love with one in particular. It compliments my princess cut cathedral solitaire so nicely. I told my mom that would make a great 1 year anniversary present. I told Ol'WW that today and him being such a smart ass said..."Isn't 1 year the paper anniversary?" I laughed and I said, "You can wrap it in paper and kill two birds with one stone." It was pretty funny. Ladies, let's hope I one day get this enhancer. It's stunning!


Here's the link. No one share the price with him, he'll choke. Absolutely choke. 


http://www.kay.com/product1|10101|10001|-1|40941003|15051|15051.15058.17115


Here is a picture of us right after he proposed to me and a picture of my ring. I love him and am thankful for him and his positive outlooks. 








Another piece of comedic relief? I have an addiction to eating naughty items in bed and I noticed I was eating counterproductively whilst reading SELF. Go figure the irony on that.




Monday, May 21, 2012

Daily Roid Rage Retrospective: Day 5


Day 1: 6 tablets (completed, sweated profusely, and pissing like a race horse)
Day 2: 6 tablets (completed, sweated again, pissed like a race horse again and leg pains)
Day 3: 5 tablets (completed, sweated again, not sleeping, and headache)
Day 4: 5 tablets (completed, sweating oh the sweating, sleep...what's that?...ow my head hurts)
Day 5: 4 tablets (completed and weepy and also wondering how can one sweat so much and still gain weight on prednisone?)
Day 6: 4 tablets
Day 7: 3 tablets
Day 8: 3 tablets
Day 9: 2 tablets
Day 10: 2 tablets
Day 11: 1 tablet
Day 12: 1 tablet

I tried to function a bit more after a very very rough morning. I got gas (no road rage), went to the bank (no rage in general) and went to Hallmark to look for birthday cards for my fiance (I raged to myself on this portion of my day). I saw loads and loads of birthday cards for husband but not a single one for fiance. That kind of stunk. I handled myself well and weeped in private not in public. I feel that is a positive.


I did not wear make-up so I wouldn't ruin it. Nothing is as bad as mascara streaming down your cheek ladies. 





I just want to let anyone out there know never ever write a prednisone inspired letter to a loved one at midnight. Being tweaked out from roids, lack of sleep, and overall jitteriness are not a good combination for communication. Live and learn on that one. Besides my headache and some sadness I feel I might be coming out of this prednisone funk. I thought my joints would feel better with all of these high doses, but they are still screaming at me. At least the itchiness and blurriness have subsided a good bit. Next hurdle, carpal tunnel surgeries! However, I have to complete this managerial economics course for my Master's first! 


I hope the Dog Days are Over...



Sunday, May 20, 2012

Daily Roid Rage Retrospective: Day 3 and 4

Day 1: 6 tablets (completed, sweated profusely, and pissing like a race horse)
Day 2: 6 tablets (completed, sweated again, pissed like a race horse again and leg pains)
Day 3: 5 tablets (completed, sweated again, not sleeping, and headache)
Day 4: 5 tablets (completed, sweating oh the sweating, sleep...what's that?...ow my head hurts)
Day 5: 4 tablets
Day 6: 4 tablets
Day 7: 3 tablets
Day 8: 3 tablets
Day 9: 2 tablets
Day 10: 2 tablets
Day 11: 1 tablet
Day 12: 1 tablet


I'm not at the half way point yet. These drugs aren't for sissies. I'm really low and I know this is a side effect of the prednisone. I go through it every time. It's just hard when you already suffer with depression and have to take a medication which the side effect is depression. It's like a depression sundae. More scoops of depression and I don't know what the sprinkles are and when the sprinkles are coming. As I sit here and type my thoughts, now all I can think about are ice cream sundaes. 


I'm a lone wolf when it comes to suffering. I'm like a cat in many ways. I just want to go off and be by myself and lick my wounds until I'm healed or go die in peace. I admire the dignity of animals that suffer in silence and always put their tough face on. We humans could learn a lot from them. I just want to stay in my bat cave and sleep until it passes. 


Huh, I thought I would have more to say but I guess I really don't. I'm tired of being alone. I do know that much today.


Happy Sunday to all and hope fellow sufferers are feeling relatively well.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Daily Roid Rage Retrospective: Day 2

Day 1: 6 tablets (completed, sweated profusely, and pissing like a race horse)
Day 2: 6 tablets (completed, sweated again, pissed like a race horse again and leg pains)
Day 3: 5 tablets
Day 4: 5 tablets
Day 5: 4 tablets
Day 6: 4 tablets
Day 7: 3 tablets
Day 8: 3 tablets
Day 9: 2 tablets
Day 10: 2 tablets
Day 11: 1 tablet
Day 12: 1 tablet


Today's feelings? Sadness a warm comfy blanket of sadness that feels like it will be around a while. 


Pain? Ohhhh ouch my legs were screaming in pain today. It was unbearable at times as I had to cry myself into a nap. 


I do have to say the blurriness and itching have subsided from my swollen blood vessels in my eyes and body. There's a positive.


I stayed in doors all day so I would not buy impulse purchases.


I also ate less (way less than yesterday). I tried my best to control both hunger and rage. I laid low and kept to myself. Here I go equating my life to Sloth from the Goonies. I am a monster right now that needs to have little to no contact with the outside world. It's for the best.


I'm starting that jittery thing now with these high doses of prednisone. It's as though I am tweaking out like some crack head or meth head. I'm just a roid head not by choice. 


Another weekend sitting at my desk contemplating my old life I used to have of getting ready at this time to go to a bar/club for a night of fun. I really have to talk myself out of the fact I have no life anymore. 


I hope all of you try and have a great weekend. I suck at adapting to this "new" life of mine. Hopefully each day will be easier. 

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Daily Roid Rage Retrospective: Day1

Day 1: 6 tablets (completed, sweated profusely, and pissing like a race horse)
Day 2: 6 tablets
Day 3: 5 tablets
Day 4: 5 tablets
Day 5: 4 tablets
Day 6: 4 tablets
Day 7: 3 tablets
Day 8: 3 tablets
Day 9: 2 tablets
Day 10: 2 tablets
Day 11: 1 tablet
Day 12: 1 tablet

My fiance does not know it yet, but I am putting an iron clad non-verbal non-cumminacado contract together with no clincher effective immediately. Only communication is by text messages because these pills have me wired and raging. I do not need to lose a fiance over roid rage and my unsympathetic feelings I have due to my adrenal glands working on speed.

Feelings I am experiencing? Rage, anger, crying, fits of laughing, hunger....so much hunger.

Pictures that correlate with the next 11 awful awful days?





Non-healthy food I ate with no shame today? 

10 (count them) 10 stale Peeps from Easter. I didn't blink an eye while scoffing like Chunk. Moved onto a black and white cookie (and I hate those cookies usually). Then moved onto a skinny cow ice cream bar. I usually don't care for those. I then moved onto a sandwich while dreaming of mac n cheese, sausage biscuits with cheese, 4 hash browns, cinnamelts, and baked ziti. Then I ate half a watermelon, an oatmeal cream pie. By this time I was crying while eating. Oh, I also had clucks and fries, cheese sticks, and zucchini sticks. 

Someone will soon have to airlift me out of my house. 

People I pissed off today?

My Mom
My Dad
My Fiance
A Waitress 
The idiotic blood bitch at the lab joint. I literally grabbed the needle out of her hand and took my own blood since she was doing such a piss poor job at it.
Some stranger at Petsmart

Impulse purchase of the day?

A diamond and sapphire antique ring. I thought about using this as both a new and blue item for when I get married 20 years from now. Hey, I'm always thinking.

Did I really need the ring? Me not on roids would say no but the me on roids said "TOTALLY!"

Thoughts that happened today?

I fucking hate pretty people and their lame ass pretty people problems. I will not mention names but someone I know, who I used to love, and used to trust got a boob job with out telling me and then flashed her new boobs on facebook. At first it was not the actual boob job that hurt me, it was the fact she didn't tell me she was having (what I consider major surgery) this done. She used to trust me with so much before and I never let her down. Now, I am pissed that this person is so pretty, so healthy, and so wealthy....and she was still not satisfied with everything she had. I just want some fucking health. Is that too much to ask for? So, I was stewing on that a good bit.

Then I was stewing on how I hate long distance relationships with a flipping passion. I didn't think it would be this long and still months away. My parents were willing to help us with a house so we could be together but my fiance wasn't biting on that idea because he wants to do everything on his own. I respect that but I often wonder how much it hurt my feelings deep inside that we had a good opportunity to jump on and we could be with one another right as I type this ode of roid rage hatred. Sigh. He's probably happy he's a safe in his home a couple of states away from me in this state. See, now I'm crying like a lunatic.

Why must roids do this to people? I really never ever never ever want to take these things for many reasons but I'm just not better on my other RA wonder drugs (again, I use that loosely). The only wonder there is to my cocktail of drugs is the wonder of why I'm still trying knowing I'm not being helped. So frustrating. 

I think my blog will be my only one sided communication for the next 11 days. 

I have to sit in court on Monday with these feelings too. I hope I don't get contempt of court or anything.