Whew, am I pissed. Does Sandy and her barometric pressure have something to do with this mood? Does pain have something to do with this mood? Or, is it selfish people that have something to do with this mood? See, here is a little backstory. I grew up with a very selfish man in my life, my dad. Don't get me wrong, I love the man to death but he has always been and will always continue to be selfish with his "I'll do what I want when I want and to hell with the rest of you." Now, that is a fine attitude to have as a single man with no dependents, like, oh say a wife and daughter. Play Judo even though you don;t have the knees for it? Sure! Why not? Go to sketchy foreign countries and hang out with shady locals? Sure! Why not? Go flying by yourself in a puddle jumper without being fully licensed? Sure! Why not? I get the whole you have to live your life attitude but why take the selfish route when you know you have loved ones who rely on you being on this planet. Not rely in the economic sense, but in the emotional sense. Especially knowing one loved member is emotionally fragile. I saw what that selfish "I'll do what I want" attitude did to my mom. It made her into an awful worry wart, an obsessive worrier. It's not fair. Now, she has the oddest neurosis I have ever seen.
I swore I wasn't go to be with a selfish person and I work everyday not to be a selfish person (it comes so easily for the only child in me) but I know I always keep my loved ones in mind when something dangerous comes into play. You know how Sandy hit with flooding and wind for a lot of states? Well, Sandy dumped a good amount of snow/blizzard material on the state of West Virginia. What did my fiance do today? Drove to school. What is he going to do tomorrow despite the Governer's strict and stern warning? Yep, drive to school. I am appalled at his school for even being open. They are going to get an earful from me tomorrow. Second, I gave an earful to my fiance but he held that same selfish attitude my Dad has, and it pissed the hell out of me. Same ol' I'll do what I want and to the hell with all of you all over again. Nope, not going to do it. I have NO room in my life for that for another 33 years. I'm drawing a line in the sand thanks to Sandy. I refuse to be living with someone let alone married to someone who did the same thing to me my whole life. All in the name of stupid school?! It's school! They will survive a day without your presence. See, my fiance has Ankylosing Spondylitis. His neck and back are completely fused. He can't turn his neck or back. His neck does not move, therefore, if he were to get in an accident (God forbid) no rescue crew could move his neck or intubate him. He will be further fucked up if not dead. Nice, huh? He was convinced he couldn't drive for oh twelve years or so and then I had to come into his life and encourage his driving by saying I see midgets with no hands drive, I think you could drive with the right equipment. Well, am I ever fucking sorry I encouraged him. Now he thinks he doesn't have AS and he can drive just fine on the craziest smallest country roads with fallen trees, ice, and snow. What is the moral to this story? I'll never encourage him to do anything ever again.
I'm hurt in all honesty. Hurt he didn't even consider my feelings, thoughts, or concerns about his own safety. Didn't consider the fact that I emotionally rely on him and thanks to him he saved my life during one real awful year. I had and almost succeeded in offing myself but I stopped despite the awful non-stop pain and constant medical let down because of my consideration for my parents and the prospect of being loved by someone I loved too. Now, I don't even get the same consideration. Woah, major red flag.
It hasn't been a good fiance communication week. Last night I mentioned how I have been working hard on wedding planning (an academic who is not bridal in the least trying to plan a wedding is funny in itself), and how I was working on our wedding website all day. What did he say in all honesty? "We have a wedding website?" That was a knife to the heart. Then I also tell him I have a meeting with a photographer today at 11. He texts me 10 times during my awkward meeting with the photographer. I call him afterwards and said I was in the meeting. Guess what? He forgot about that too. What the hell? I know dudes could give two shits less about weddings but try and pretend to care and follow along. After tomorrow, who knows if he'll be alive to even attend the wedding. I will have to find a new groom with the initials of WS because I just ordered a shit load of monogramed shit for our wedding.
He won't see why I am making a "big deal" about this. I bet you 10 bucks, 10 bucks to any reader who reads this and responds. I promise I'll send the dough. I know I am not hormonal about this because I don't have an ovarian reserve or a thyroid. I am on hormone pills and anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. I haven't missed a dose so I know I am medically induced sane right now.
His new anthem should be I am a rock, I am an island.