Friday, January 4, 2013
Ended 2012 with a Funeral and 2013 is Starting Off Bumpy
On December 24th my 94 year old grandma had a massive stroke while fixing waffles for my 48 year old Aunt that has Down Syndrome. Apparently it was not a good sight in her home as she laid there on the floor mumbling. My grandma always said she would die in her home, and essentially she succeeded. She was rushed to the hospital and never regained consciousness. She passed away early on the 26th. Our Christmas was not a happy one because we were so sad and worried. Luckily she did not suffer long. I had to leave my fiance time and fly up to NY for her funeral. Grandma's wake was Sunday the 30th and she was buried on New Year's Eve day. I am glad she did not suffer but I cannot shake the fact she died alone in a hospital. I never have been to a funeral and I am 34. I can barely hang in there mentally on any given day and I knew this funeral was going to be rough for many reasons. One being the end of an era and the other that my 48 year old Aunt that has Down Syndrome is a 6 year old child who has lost her Mom. It killed me and still kills me and I am unable to shake any of the visuals I always seem to get down to a tee. Grandma livd in the same house for 60 years and she was the glue that kept the family somewhat together. She was the hub and we were all satellites orbiting her. Now? Well, we have no hub and now the family will just drift further apart than it already has.
I was running on adrenaline and stress and now since I have been back home any psychological progress of "just being in the moment" has been wiped clean. Instead the cloud of sadness is settling in again as I sit and compulsively think about how I will be alone once my parents pass away. I have had this horrible obsessive thought process in regards to my parents inevitable demise. Being alone scares me and even though I'm getting married, I am unable to create a family of my own to take care of and have that experience. I was doing so well practicing "just being" and letting go of things I cannot change. That went all away and I don't know how to pick myself up and restart that process and progress again.
We all know with stress comes flares and I am in a big one. I tried so hard to rally for my grandma. I never thought she loved me that much out of her 20 grandchildren but it turns out that out of all the out of state grandchildren, she talked about me the most. When my aunt told me she was just talking about trying to make it to my wedding a week before her passing, I broke down.
I'm not in a happy and healthy place right now and I hope this brain cloud does not last long. I need to be mentally tough for my surgery coming on the 17th. Why can't I ever just pull it together in the mental department? I just want to shut down and block people out. I know that is not healthy but I do it often. 2013 was a year I was looking forward to. 13 is my lucky number and my birthday will be 4/13/13, my wedding 9/13/13, and my father's (and deceased gandma's) birthday 12/13/13. I thought this year was going to be full of magic and luck. The first 4 days of 2013 have been horrible. I'm hoping for a change for the better soon.
To my readers, Happy New Year full of health.