My surgery went well. Luckily my left hand and wrist was not as messy as my right hand. I did wind up in post-op ICU due to plummeting BP, but hey, I made it! I'm working along with strengthening. My stitches are out and I am trying to function more and more each day. This will be by no means my last surgery. I have a good 4 to 6 more to go for now but I am trying to wait until after marriage and after a year of doing time in West Virginia.
That leads me to my negative personality traits of being: relentless, worry wart, obsessive thinker, harper....you get the gist.
Don't you love when you finally decide to be an open hearted grown-up and divulge the fact that you unfortunately have these personality traits and then they are constantly brought up in a bit of an emotional abusive way to chastise you?
I don't, yet it seemed to happen to me a couple of times this week. Fun, right?
I will be honest. I am scared shitless about the day after my wedding. Not the actual getting married, the part that comes after the wedding. See, I never lived with a man....a very heterosexual man who lives, breathes, and dies sports (football in particular). I am moving up to a state I never thought I would move to, to be with a husband I never thought I would have.
My best friends are my mom and dad. See, I never made friends as a kid. A big portion of that has to deal with the fact that I had Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis and I knew my body could not keep up with the normal active kids, so I withdrew, paid no mind to them, and lived in my own solo world. I don't make friends easily. So, when I move to a new place I am leaving my best friends behind.
How can the girl whose report card stated,"Andrea does not mingle well with classmates.", "Andrea does not play well with others", "Andrea needs to learn to seek a friend." make friends and a new life?
Andrea has been labeled a long time as having Serious Depressive Disorder. Unfortunately, that comes with obsessive worrying, thinking, and anxiety. I don't know how much more I could have been open with my fiance about this? I never lied, or held the truth, or tried to make it seem not as bad as it is. It isn't even the sports that pisses me off (it is for him) I'm hurt that he keeps throwing my mental issues back at me. That never feels good of being constantly reminded of issues you have. I don't need to be reminded, I live with the demons everyday.
I find it to be a form of emotional abuse and I am too strong of a person to accept that. I don't know where to go from here. Obviously my mental issues I cannot control (except with meds, which I take religiously to be better for him and my other loved ones) are things that bother/annoy him. I can't change that as much as he can't change the fact he may or may not compromise on watching sports even though he accused me of saying he can never watch sports again.
I'm just worried about being alone in a state I am not familiar with, without my best friends, and with a part-time husband. All of this worrying and stress is not good for my RA. That I know and I have been feeling particularly unhealthy these last couple of months. Having my negative personality traits being shoved down my throat doesn't help matters. That is for damn sure. I feel hurt more than pissed at this point.
Maybe my Dad was right, I'm not meant for marriage. Maybe I just keep pushing it because I think it should happen and that I don't want to die alone. That has been my biggest fear since the age of 3. See, what 3 year old obsesses about dying alone? Kids are a long stretch and I thought by getting married I would have a partner in life and fun. I can't have a partner that doesn't accept my traits. He can say the same thing about my thoughts on sports but sports aren't even the issue, the issue is not wanting to be alone. I don't want to smother him to death, but I don't want to be alone either and I will be alone all day long while he is at work and I only get him to myself on the weekends since he goes to bed before most geriatric people do. I'm so lost and confused. I don't even know if this is cold feet or just hurt feelings?
I spent a load of money thus far for the wedding and most of my deposits are non-refundable. I don't want to get married just to have a wedding because I already spent money, but I also don't want a divorce in the first year of marriage. I don't want to be a Kim Kardashian. I'm so torn. I know we love one another but sometimes being too opposite isn't so attractive. I feel I have changed more for him than he has changed for me. No one should have to change for anyone though either. I'm a mess. RA fuzzy brain doesn't help either. I can't sit here and things will magically change either, because that is not how the world works. Is this just a bump in the road, or a warning road sign?